Do we have to be Related?
by Em the elf
Summary: The fourth in the trilogy! With Emily dead and George missing what is Legolas to do with triplets and a best friend named Kai to look after.
1. Flying The Hobbit Flag

George: We are back! Yes you asked for it, we shall deliver!

Emily: Welcome to 'Do we have to be Related?" This is the final instalment of the 'Related' stories. For anyone new it is best you read the previous three, but I suppose this one could stand alone with the exception of a few in jokes (namely Kai), who is back to his old self after a complaint that he was acting a bit sane. Speaking of sane I have officially lost my mind (and my hearing!) after the immense Green Day I went to on Monday! Just eleven days to go until I see them again at Hammersmith! Yay! Oh andI got my lip pierced!

George: Stop showing off! So without further ado we shall start where we left off in the third Epilogue…drumroll please…'Do we have to be Related?'

Disclaimer: Absolutely diddly squat.

Chapter One – Flying the hobbit flag.

"Daddy! Daddy, where are you? Xavier and Pierre have done it again!" An eighteen year old Ellette came rushing into the small glade where Legolas could often be found sitting near his wife's grave. "Daddy you must come!"

"What is wrong now?" Legolas sighed and placed a calming hand on Ellette's shoulder.

"Xavier and Pierre…they…um…well…"

"Yes?"

"They hoisted Frodo up the flag pole."

"Again?! Those boys really need to stop listening to Kai!" Legolas abruptly stalked off.

"Wait…" Ellette called but it was too late. "They took his pants before they put him up there." She finished to no one in a huff and promptly followed her father.

……

"Don't worry Mr. Frodo, I'll get ye down!" Cried Sam valiantly as he attempted to pull himself up the pole. The poor hobbit had just about got two feet off the ground when he found himself sliding back down and into a heap on the floor. This display was punctuated by a chorus of laughter.

"Gwanur we've really excelled ourselves this time!" Laughed Pierre. (brother).

"Credit to Kai for the hint! Although the pants idea was a nice extra touch!" Xavier collapsed on the floor in a heap of giggles.

"It's a shame Ada would never believe that it was Ellette who thought of that!" Pierre joined his brother on the floor.

"Boys!" The brothers winced at the angry bellow from their father.

"Yes Ada?" They asked innocently.

"Do not 'yes Ada' me! How many time have I told you that the hobbits are not toys for you two to play with?!"

"It was just the once…" Whined Pierre.

"Twice." Corrected Xavier with a slight smirk.

"So you are not counting the time you laced Sam's breakfast with pondweed and told him it was spinach, or the time you told Frodo that snails were an Elvish delicacy, and lets not forget the time you stole my wild stallion and tied Sam to it sending him halfway across Mirkwood!" Ranted Legolas.

"You forgot the time we glued Sam and Frodo's feet to…" Pierre gave Xavier a sharp blow to the ribs to shut him up.

Legolas glowered then shook his head, "I take it Kai put you up to this."

"Among others." Whispered Pierre to himself sending a glare at his sister who just smiled sweetly.

"Right, by the time I am back from the visit I intend on paying your Godfather, I want Frodo down from that flag pole and I want the both of you in the kitchens for washing up duty. Have I made myself clear?!"

"Yes Ada." Groaned the boys.

"And for Valar's sake, find that hobbit's pants!" Yelled Legolas before heading off to the only place Kai would be.

……

"No a…a bit…lower…faster…"

"Kai?"

"Don't say a word…just a bit to your right…"

"Kai?!"

"Sssh honey."

"Kai!"

Kai woke up to find himself alone in bed and with a glowering Legolas standing in his doorway. "You ruined my dream!" He pouted.

"I want a word with you."

"Well come back later and I'll be all ears."

"No I want to talk to you now!"

"But it is too early! It's Sunday morning, a normal elf sleeps in on Sunday mornings."

"Kai, it is Wednesday afternoon." Corrected Legolas.

"Really?! Oh well…" Kai trailed off trying to recall what happened to the last few days…'Oh yes…the blond Quenya tutor from Rivendell.' He thought with a triumphant grin.

"Will you stop leading Xavier and Pierre astray? I can just about cope with my lieutenant causing trouble every week but I cannot cope with my sons at it as well!"

"I haven't been in trouble this week!" Protested Kai.

"You drugged the delegate from Gondor!"

"How was I to know what those mushrooms did?! Beside they were left over form Emily's stash" A pained look crossed Legolas' face. "I'm sorry Legolas I didn…"

"I know you didn't, look, I need to know that when I go away Mirkwood will still be standing when I get back." Legolas slouched down into a nearby chair.

"You're going away?!"

"I have already told you, remember the meeting last week?"

"Is that the same meeting with the bubbly brunette that served the wine?"

"Kai!" Legolas sighed heavily. "Please Kai, I need your help. Ada did not leave Mirkwood to me so I could let you lot raze it to the ground."

"Do not fear Legolas!" Kai jumped out of bed. "I promise I will take care of Mirkwood, I'll even rope Kalin in to helping me."

"That you cannot do, Kalin is coming with me. I'm afraid you are on your own in this." Legolas got up to leave.

"I won't let you down Legolas, I promise."

"Thank you." Legolas walked out but before out of sight added, "By the way Kai, you are naked."

The darkling elf looked down to check, grinned cheekily and jumped backed into bed.

……

"Are you sure it is wise leaving Kai in charge?" Questioned Ellette as she helped her father pack.

"I really do not have any choice. He is my second in command and I am loathed to leave Mirkwood in the hands of Fiminur." Fiminur was one of Thranduil's old advisers who spent most of his time trying to get Legolas to remarry, specifically to remarry to Fiminur's only daughter Phian. "I think we're all done here."

"I hope you do find George. It would be nice to meet mum's brother, why did he leave in the first place?"

"He missed your mother terribly."

"So do you."

"Yes but I have you and your brothers to keep me company."

"Where will you look first?"

"Gondor. Aragorn was the last to see him after George handed over the crown to him. This could be a very long journey."

"Will you stay for tonight's banquet?" Asked Ellette hopefully.

"Of course. I hear you and your brothers have something planned."

Ellette grinned.

"Please tell me that it does not involve tormenting the hobbits." Legolas inquired.

"See you later Daddy!"

"Ellette!"

……

"What colour dress will Phian be wearing?"

"I had a quick nosy around the seamstresses and found some white samples for her dress."

"Excellent. Have you sorted out the berries?"

"No luck there. But I got some honey."

"Honey?"

"Don't worry it won't be the honey that upsets her." A jar was revealed holding a hundred or so red ants.

"You are evil! Let's do it!"

"She will need a bath after that." Came a third voice.

"White doesn't do well in a warm wash."

"Well I hear that the river is lovely and refreshing this time of year."

All three broke out into wicked grins.

……

"Nice of you to join us Kai." Commented Legolas as Kai swanned in and took up his seat halfway through the banquet.

"Yes well every since that fine promotion you gave me, I have been struggling with the transition between working class to first class." Grinned Kai as he stared wantonly at the food in front of him.

"There is a very fine line separating first class from half arsed." Stated Ellette who ignored her father's shocked expression and went back to being demure.

"So where is my enigmatic brother then?" Asked Kai as he looked over to Kalin's empty seat.

"He is spending the evening with his wife before we set off tomorrow." Informed Legolas.

Kai grunted in disgust at the word wife. "Traitor." He mumbled.

"Do you think you'll ever get married Kai?" Asked Ellette taking care not to sound expectant.

Kai, mid downing a glass of wine gagged slightly, began to cough, and then proceeded to spit out the wine all over the elf opposite him. It took all of Legolas' courtly restraint not to burst into laughter at the sight of Fiminur drenched in a combination of deep burgundy and speckled saliva.

It was here that the triplets saw their chance. Pierre lent forward and 'accidentally' sent the pot of honey flying and landing in a congealed lump in Phian's lap. Xavier ducked under the table as everyone stood up to try and calm the advisor and his daughter. Not before taking a quick peek up Phian dress Xavier let the ants out at the poor elleth's feet. It wasn't long before high pitched squeals filled the hall.

"Quick come with me!" Ellette grabbed Phian's arms and pulled the screaming girl outside.

"Get them off me! Help!"

"Calm down, now what we need is water."

"It too far to the baths! Help they're icky!"

"Well there is only one thing to do…" Ellette grinned sweetly and pushed the flapping girl into the river. "Gravity always wins."

From the balcony above Legolas looked down not sure whether to be amused or horrified. 'Maybe getting away from this will be a good thing.' He sighed.

……

A/N: Emily: I miss me!

George: What do you think then?

Emily: Here are the customary thank yous to those who reviewed:

Lil Smartass – Stop being so impatient!

Ayiicaalime – Hello fellow Green Day spicket! Legolas dwarf clones?! I'm not sure I want to know!

Crazyroninchic – Wow you review a lot! We like that! Well here is the fourth instalment and yep there is no Emily.

Michelle – Thank you. Here is the new one.

Limpet666 – Unfortunately, despite the zombie idea being pretty good, Emily shall remain dead (maybe).

Twisted Illions – Yes school does suck which is precisely why I left! The sappyness is over and we are returning to good old fashion random humour!

Eltavor – Here is the fourth, and as much as I'd like Legolas to be a happy elf I am afraid Emily is still dead.

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Beg no more the fourth instalment is here!

Poolbum – It has been eighteen years since I died, you're right that does sound weird!

DreamWeaverEveninMist – We decided to put up number four. After this one it is definitely the end of Emily and George.


	2. The Haunting

A/N: Emily: Well, here goes the second chapter, as you've probably noticed that without Emily and George the story is bit different but I hope you're still liking it. However, if Legolas is as good as we all know he is he will have found George in no time!

Disclaimer: I own everybody except the one elf I want to own!

Chapter Two – The Haunting.

"I am setting some ground rules for while your father is away." Began Kai. He had the triplets lined up with military style precision. "Okay, there is to be no pranks unless they are run by me first, any green item of food is not to be eaten, there is to be no swearing unless it is in response to an idiotic comment, the boys are to be taken whoring at Merry and Pippin's Hash bar, Ellette is to keep her virtue in tack unless she wants me to be gutted by her father, Fiminur and Phian are to be left alone unless in concordance with rule one, and finally if any of you decide to wake me up before the sun has been up for at least six hours I would advise you not to. Any questions?"

"I thought dad asked you to look after this place?" Asked Ellette.

"I am looking after it kido. Contrary to belief, a little bit of mayhem never did Mirkwood any harm. Agreed?"

The triplets grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

"Excellent."

……

"I am doing the right thing, aren't I?" Legolas asked as he looked around and watched Mirkwood disappear over the horizon.

"Kai may be a complete liability but I have faith that he will manage to curb his wild side for a short time." Kalin encouraged as he struggled to keep himself on his horse.

"And what if this journey takes a long time?"

"I hear Ithilien, with a little work, is nice place to live!"

"Kalin!"

"Sorry, sorry, no I am sure Kai will be fine, he is not completely stupid."

"I hope so." Sighed Legolas resigned to the fact that he would just have to trust Kai.

"Worst case scenario is that when we return Mirkwood will be razed to the ground and all of your kids will have gone missing."

Legolas paled considerably. "You are not helping."

Kalin grinned and spurred on his horse in the direction of Gondor.

……

"It's not fair! How come you two get to go whoring and I'm not even allowed to look at another elf!" Fumed Ellette.

"It is because we obviously the better looking two thirds of this triad." Grinned Pierre as he flamboyantly tossed his long blond hair over his shoulder.

"Correction brother, it is obvious that I am the most exquisite of us all!" Announced Xavier smugly.

"You! With a name like Xavier, you'd be lucky to score a dwarf!"

"Uncle gave me this name! At least I'm not named after a slimy French waiter!" Retaliated Xavier.

"Mum gave me this name! You're just jealous because you didn't get blond hair!" Snapped Pierre.

"Jealous, of you! I'm not the one with the bent ear!" The darkling brother growled.

"That's not my fault! Kai dropped me!" Yelled Pierre as he lunged at his brother.

"You two will never grow up!" Ellette stormed off in a huff leaving Pierre struggling to get out of a headlock.

Passing by were Frodo and Sam whom on upon noticing the brothers' current state decided it was probably not the best time to demand an apology for their behaviour yesterday. Turning swiftly Frodo and Sam had almost made their escape when they heard the cry that struck fear in every Hobbit's heart;

"Bundle!"

……

Ellette made her way through the gardens, walking blindly as she tried to work of the agitation that often appeared around her halfwit brothers. So caught up in her own thoughts was she that as she passed the public baths she did not notice the elf before her until they were both on the floor in a heap.

"Ouch!" Yelped Kai as a particularly sharp stone embedded itself in his back.

"I'm sorry I wasn't…" Ellette trailed off as she noticed that Kai was in nothing but a towel tied haphazardly around his waist after his trip to the baths.

"Are you alright?" Asked Kai as he pulled the gaping she-elf up off the floor.

"I…I…wow…" Mumbled Ellette as she watched a drop of water make its way down the elf's chest.

"What was that?"

"I…I…have to go." A flustered Ellette ran as fast as she could and did not stop until she had made it to her room. "This crush is getting out of control." She muttered as she slid down the wall and gathered her knees to her chest.

Ellette looked hard in the mirror, she had always been told that she resembled her mother; she had also heard that Kai once had a thing for her mother. If that was the case why did he not notice her?

'Kai notices anything that is female with a pulse so why when it comes to me he just treats me like…well…one of her brothers!' She thought irritably. 'He still thinks I'm a child.'

Ellette picked herself up and walked nearer to the mirror as she remembered the countless times that Kai had called her kido. 'Well then I shall just have to convince him that I am not a child!' Ellette concluded triumphantly. 'I mean it cannot be that hard to seduce someone, can it?'

A loud knock on her door brought Ellette out of her thoughts.

"Who is it?"

"It is Phian, I was…um just…could you open the door I am not accustomed to talking to wood."

Ellette rolled her eyes, 'Why did that elleth insist on bugging her!' She swung the door open abruptly and glared at the dark haired beauty that made Ellette was to throw up on her shoes. "What can I do for you?"

"Lord Kai sent me, he asked me to see if you were alright. At first I was a bit dubious as to if this was just another one of his jokes but he did seem quite concerned."

'Kai was concerned about me!' Ellette resisted the urge to grin.

"So are you?" Asked Phian wondering about the dazed look on Ellette's face.

"Am I what?" Ellette answered confused pushing the image of a half naked Kai out of her mind.

"Are you all right?"

"Oh…oh yes I am perfectly fine."

"Well that is good, I shall let Kai know." Phian let out a small giggle as she began to leave. "Anything to spend some more time with that delicious elf."

Ellette stared at the retreating elleth's back in horror. 'Phian couldn't have a thing for Kai! No! If it wasn't bad enough that cow drooling over Ada, now she wants Kai, my Kai! Something has to be done.'

……

"Brothers, I need your help." Ellette pulled the two elves off of Sam and Frodo who were now embedded into the ground.

"What with? I thought we were too immature for you." Pouted Pierre.

"Do want to help me come up with the best prank we have ever done or not!"

The brothers' eyes light up in glee and mischief. "We're listening."

"Something must be done to Phian, something that will take her down a peg or two. It has gone on too long that we've just let her and her father stress dad out all the time and now she has gone too far!"

"What has she done?" Asked Xavier already shaking with excitement at the prospect of total mayhem.

Ellette knew that if her brothers' found out about her crush on Kai she would never hear the end of it. "She…she…she ate your entire supply of smarties that uncle left in Gondor!" 'That would work, considering that there is no evidence.' Thought Ellette remembering the time she caught Kai eating all of them.

"The harlot!" Cried Pierre in disgust, "she must pay!"

"We'll get Kai to come up with something really spectacular!" Xavier announced.

"No!" Shrieked Ellette. "No, Kai cannot know anything about this!"

"But Kai said that all pranks, especially to do with Phian and Fiminur, were to be run past him."

"Kai would never let us go ahead with this, he promised Ada that he would look after Mirkwood. If we bound in there and start planning our divine retribution in front of him he'll put an end to it and tell us to behave."

"Are we talking about the same Kai?"

"Look you will have to trust me on this brothers. Kai is not to know about any of this. Do you swear?"

Xavier and Pierre looked at each other. If this was going to be as big as Ellette was saying surely Kai would want to be a part of it? Then again if this was going to be as big as she was saying then they were stupid if they'd risk not being involved.

"We swear." The brothers grinned in unison.

……

"Legolas!" Greeted Aragorn enthusiastically. "It is wonderful to see you. How are you faring?"

"As well as I can be." Answered Legolas.

"What brings you to Gondor?" Aragorn asked before quickly adding, "You didn't bring those children of yours!"

Legolas glared at Aragorn, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well, they tend to break things and…" Aragorn was interrupted by a huge crash coming from the door; he fully expected the triplets to come storming in but instead was greeted by the sight of Kalin bumping into a serving girl and tripping over his own feet sending him and her sprawling on the floor.

"Sorry!" Yelped Kalin as he scrambled to his feet.

"What's up with him?" Aragorn asked Legolas.

"I'm not sure, he is not usually this clumsy, he was having trouble on his horse earlier. Anyway, I need your help Aragorn, I need to find George."

"George! Why, what is wrong?"

"Nothing specific, I just feel that Emily would have wanted him around the children." Aragorn shuddered slightly. "Are you alright?"

"Oh yes! Fine, fine…I um…George yes I will talk to you about that over dinner if you will join me."

"Of course." Legolas began to wonder about Aragorn's strange mood swing.

"Brilliant, well I shall have someone show you to your room." Aragorn quickly shuffled out of the room.

'Am I missing something?' Thought Legolas. 'First Kalin and now Aragorn, what is going on!'

……

Aragorn shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. Emily, that name struck fear in the man's heart. Ever since he heard about the tragic death of Legolas' wife he had had the feeling that Emily was haunting him. At first he thought he was just being stupid, it was not until things began moving themselves and whispers woke him in the night that he was convinced that the spirit of Emily had decided that it was not just in life that she could make the man's life a living misery. 'Whatever I do I cannot let Legolas know about this, he shouldn't have to deal with this. I just need to help him find George then he will leave, and maybe she might as well.' Aragorn thought.

At that moment a strange wind knocked over a lighted candle in the room and came dangerously close to setting alight Aragorn's robes. Aragorn quickly set it right and went to shut the window. It was then that he realised there was not a window in that room.

……

A/N: George: Spooky!

Emily: He he! Thank you to everyone who reviewed:

Limpet666 – Yes I am dead! Kai is back and raring to go… Yay! Yep I got my lip pierced…yours were numbed! Mine was done with no numbing, I am soooooo hardcore!

Ayiicaalime – George will be back! Yay Billie Joe wiggling his butt on the amp! Green Day again in five days! Oh Yeah! Text me when you are free and we'll meet up sometime.

Princess Shadowcat – England cool? Hmmm…depends where you are. Camden is immense! As for Emily being brought back…well you never know with us two.

Lil' rook – George will be back.

Crazyroninchic – And I love you reviewing a lot!

DreamWeaverEveninMist – We promise George will come back it is just a matter of finding him.

Poolbum – Kalin got married! How dare he!


	3. Riddles and Fish

Emily: Green Day just get better every time I see them!

George: Yeah rub it in why don't you. sulks. Anyway on with the story.

Disclaimer: Haha we own the wonderful Kai and the yummy Kalin. Now if we could just get Legolas.

Chapter Three – Riddles and Fish.

"When George gave up his throne he gave me this. He said that if anybody had a really good reason of needing to find him I was to give to them." Aragorn placed a rolled up piece of paper in front of Legolas.

Legolas unrolled it and read it aloud, "The land of seeing double will direct you on your way, look beyond the Matrix and follow what they say." Legolas furrowed his eyebrows. "When did George start liking riddles?"

"He never did make anything simple. Any ideas?"

"The Matrix? I remember Emily and George talking about it, something about a glitch in it and someone called Mr. Anderson."

"Maybe Mr. Anderson knows."

"Any ideas as to where Mr. Anderson might be?" Asked Legolas sarcastically.

(A/N: This is where George get stupid Legolas/Matrix crossover ideas and Emily has to sedate him).

Aragorn blinked.

"Didn't think so…Wait! The Council of Elrond, George yelled at Lord Elrond about being in the Matrix." Recalled Legolas.

"If Elrond knew something, he would have found George years ago; you know he was devastated when George disappeared." Reasoned Aragorn. "What about the 'seeing double, do you think that could be a clue."

Legolas was starting to wonder how Aragorn ever managed to lead the Fellowship and quickly thanked the Valar for any time they may have intervened between Aragorn and a stupid idea. Legolas resumed reading over the riddle again, "Look beyond the Matrix and follow what they say. They? Who are they? Seeing double…double…the twins! Elladan and Elrohir, George did not tell Elrond where he went but them. I have to head to Rivendell."

"Now?"

"The sooner I find George the sooner I can relieve Kai of looking after Mirkwood."

"I still cannot believe you left him in charge. Why didn't you leave Kalin in charge and take Kai with you?"

"As fond as I am of the elf, the task of spending long amounts of time alone with Kai is best undertaken by a braver soul than I or under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol."

"Point taken. I shall have someone ready your horses and send for Kalin."

"So he is still in the land of the living, I swear by the Valar that that elf gets dozier by the day."

"Do you think something is wrong?"

"I don't know but I intend to find out." Legolas embraced his friend. "Thank you Aragorn, I know you and Emily were not always the best of friends but you have always been a good friend. I hope you shall find time to visit Mirkwood when I and hopefully George return there."

"Mirkwood!" Aragorn tried to stifle a whimper, "Um…yes of course."

……

"I think I'm going impotent."

Silence

"Do you think I'm impotent?"

Silence

"Well there is definitely something wrong with me."

It was at this point that Kai figured the fish was not going to answer him but the fish was going to listen.

"I haven't had any action for a whole week now."

If fish could raise their eyebrows this fish would have.

"I haven't been this long without sex since my majority…What is wrong with me? There are plenty of gorgeous elleths everywhere, so why don't I want them!"

The fish did a few laps around its bowl then hid itself in some seaweed.

"I see them, I even spy on them in the baths, but still no reaction. I even try and remember times that have caused major reactions but Lieutenant Kai master of the underpants is just not standing to attention."

The fish let out a frustrated sigh.

"This calls for drastic action. It is time to take Xavier and Pierre whoring and with a bit of luck hopefully I'll get lucky too!"

The fish came out behind the seaweed and smirked (yes the fish smirked).

"Well I don't see you getting any!"

"Maybe if you bought me a lady friend I would be getting some!" Yelled the fish.

Kai blinked erratically and promptly decided that magic mushrooms were not the best way to start the day.

……

"Kalin, is there something you need to tell me?" Asked Legolas as the two began their journey to Rivendell.

"Urm…no…why would there be?" Stammered Kalin.

"When did you develop a stutter? And for that matter when did you become so clumsy? You broke half of the royal Gondorian china in two days!"

"Meh." Muttered Kalin randomly.

"Something is going on Kalin, maybe I can help."

"It's Amaria…"

"Is she all right?" Surely Legolas thought he would have known if something was wrong with Kalin's wife.

"Yes, yes she is fine…she is…well…you see…I'm going to be a father."

"Kalin that's great! It…is great isn't it?"

"Yeah it…is but…what happens if I'm a crap father! I can barely look after myself; it wasn't until I met Amaria that I stopped conning Kai into washing my clothes. Not to mention the fact that the last time I tried to cook anything I poisoned half the Mirkwood army including you!"

Legolas grimaced as he remembered the time he had tasted the strange green concoction Kalin had managed to serve up, he could still remember the agonising stomach cramps that followed it for weeks after. "Granted that all cooking duties should be left to Amaria but Kalin you are wonderful godfather to the triplets, excluding the time you gave them that pet, why should you be any different with your own child?"

"Because I got to give your kids back when they would cry or need something, I don't think I could hack being…wait a second I don't see what was wrong with that pet, granted it was slightly rough but…"

"It was a Warg!"

Kalin shrugged, "Do you think Kai will be excited that he is going to be an Uncle?"

"After he gets over the initial shock of you becoming a mature adult, despite it being a few millennia late, he'll become ever the doting uncle."

"And if he doesn't get over it?"

"He'll shack up with George and start the first Uncle's Anonymous Association!"

……

"It has been done before!" Cried Ellette for the ninth time that day. "All these pranks have been done, we need something new."

"Well let's here your brilliant idea!" Yelled Pierre.

"Kai would be able to think of something." Grumbled Xavier.

"Kai is not to know about this!"

"Whatever." Pouted the brothers. "What we need is the ultimate humiliation."

"And what would that be?"

"That is what you need to find out." Grinned Pierre.

"And how am I supposed to do that, Phian is hardly likely to tell me her deepest fears. She is more likely to befriend a dwarf!" Ellette scoffed.

The twins both raised an eyebrow and broke out into radiant grins. "That's it!"

"What?" Asked Ellette. "What's it…I don't know what you are…wait…you want me to…no…no way…not even if you paid me!"

"You are the one who wanted the ultimate prank! You need to infiltrate Phian's gang."

"No! They braid each others hair!"

"Think of it as recon."

"I'll go mad!"

"Your sanity is a sacrifice we are willing to make for the dirt you are going to dig up on the prissy Phian."

Ellette glared at the brothers, "Have I ever told you two how much I despise you sometimes?"

"All the time." Beamed Xavier, "We just don't accept it."

"How could anyone despise the beautiful Greenleaf brothers?" Pierre said smugly.

"Those beautiful Green Day brothers better get themselves ready, because we are off to Merry and Pippin's Hash bar." Kai announced.

"Now!"

"Yes now, and no Ellette you are staying here, I'm not having some random human stealing your virtue." Kai almost dictated.

"Whatever you say Kai." Agreed Ellette much to the surprise of the three elves watching her.

"Okay, well that was almost too easy. Don't try anything while we are away, I have put a very trusted friend in charge while I'm gone."

……

The fish rounded his now bigger fish bowl, well being ruler of Mirkwood did have its perks.

……

A/N: Emily: I got my ear pierced again so I rounding at eight piercings now!

George: Mum is going to kill you when she sees the new one!

Emily: Great, well you had better get your reviews in before I am murdered! Here are the thank yous:

Ayiicaalime – I wont mention that I'm seeing Green Day again you may try and mass murder me.

Lil Smartass – I may haunt whoever I feel like. And review what? Don't you mean update! I can do that!

Limpet 666 – Well Kai was so insane in this one just slightly flaccid! Oh dear!

Poolbum – The K brothers say thankies for their kiss! Kalin even blushed.

Look four reviews! Four! Come on people even if you just write – Meh!


	4. Goodbye Kai

A/N: Emily: I am writing this on Valentines Day after receiving one lame card from an ex who I really hoped had disappeared from the face of the planet, so do not expect any romance in this chapter! Not that I'm bitter or anything…

Disclaimer – Nope I don't own Legolas unfortunately. I have tried to convince Tolkien that Legolas would have a much better Valentines Day with me but he still refused and locked Legolas back up in his coffin. 'grumblegrumble.'

Chapter Four – Goodbye Kai.

"Legolas! Kalin!" The Rivendell twins enveloped the two elves in tight hug.

"Urm…Elrohir…Elladan…can't breathe!" Gasped Kalin.

The twins squeezed slightly tighter and finally let go.

"You two seem happy." Remarked Legolas straightening out his tunic.

The twins just grinned.

"Guys you seem a little…um…hyper today. Is everything okay?" Kalin backed away slowly as the twins began to giggle.

"Creamy cheesy cheesy cheese!"

"Legolas, are they normally like this?" Kalin asked nervously.

"Not usually, not since…Have you two been at your father's miruvor again?" Legolas joined Kalin a yard away from the grinning twins.

"Um…no I'm afraid this might be my fault." Legolas looked over the twins' shoulder and saw a gleeful looking Kai standing just behind them.

"Kai! What are you doing here? If you are here who is looking after the kids…Mirkwood, who's ruling Mirkwood! And what the hell did you do to the twins!"

"The twins are fine; well they will be when once the after effects wear off."

"Please tell me you did not drug the twins!"

Kai tied to smother a grin but failed miserably.

"You drugged the twins! Kai you're an irresponsible…"

"Calm down Legolas! Everything is under control!"

"Control! Where the hell are my children?"

"Mirkwood is in good fins, Xavier and Pierre are here with me and Ellette is being taken care of by Kalin wife." Kai shuddered slightly at the last word.

"Fins! You said fins!" Yelped Legolas.

"I did? Oh I meant…"

"Why did you say wife as if it was a bad disease!" Growled Kalin.

"I didn't!"

"Yes you did! I'm sick of this, every time anyone mentions Amaria you turn into a bachelor 101 lesson!"

"I'm not the one who betrayed the oath we made not to ever get married!" Retaliated Kai.

"Oath, I was seven when I made that! You really need to grow up!"

"Grow up! And become like you, tied down to the one elleth stupid enough to have you!"

"You little…" Kalin flew at Kai and before Legolas could stop him the darkling brothers were grappling on the floor.

"Why are you purple?" Questioned a dazed Elrohir.

Legolas stuck between whether to stop Kai and Kalin fighting or taking the twins to their father was saved from making a decision when a fuming Lord Elrond came storming down the path.

"Prince Legolas I demand that you remove your children and your Lieutenant from my valley!"

"Lord Elrond I'm so sorry, I had no idea that they would be here." Legolas winced as he spied Xavier and Pierre in the background chasing an unsuspecting maid across the courtyard.

"That may be so, but there is only so much I can take, I have lived through many wars, Elladan and Elrohir's wayward childhood and the constant jabbering from Emily and George, but all of those seem exceedingly peaceful compared to Kai and your sons! I suggest you take them home." Lord Elrond's temple was visibly twitching.

"I am afraid that is not possible Kalin and I are looking for…George."

"George! It is an impossible task, he is no where to be found. Do you not think I tried looking?"

"I have to find him."

"So be it, but I want them gone by tomorrow!" Elrond stepped over the still brawling Kai and Kalin and grabbed the twins, who were currently in an animated convocation with a tree, and dragged them away to the healing rooms.

"Kai!" Legolas grabbed his lieutenant and hauled him up against the recently engaging tree. "I am only going to say this once. You are to take the boys back to Mirkwood, you are to place Fiminur in charge and then you are to leave Mirkwood and never return."

"Don't you think you're being a little extreme!"

"I can't deal with you anymore Kai! You promised you wouldn't let me down. I trusted you. Until you prove that you are of some worth Mirkwood then I do not want to see you again!" Legolas let Kai go and took a step back from him. "I'm sorry Kai but this is how it has to be."

"If that is what you want, I will follow your last orders. It has been an honour serving you my lord." With that Kai went to look for Xavier and Pierre.

Legolas helped Kalin up, "I went too far didn't I?"

"We'll see. This may even bring Kai to prove himself, and then who know he might even get married!" Kalin tried to force a laugh but was unsuccessful. "Do you think the twins will be clear headed enough to help us find George?"

"I hope so. I don't want to give Lord Elrond anymore time to find reasons to yell at me. Do think he was this scary in the Matrix?"

"I heard that he knew Kung-fu."

"What's Kung-fu?"

"No idea." Kalin shrugged.

……

"You mean you want to come?" Asked Phian still confused by the fact that Ellette was talking to her.

"Of course! I heard you throw the best sleepovers in the Kingdom." Ellette gasped with as much joy as she could muster.

"You did? I always thought that you thought they were…um well…I remember the word lame was used."

"Lame! Wherever did you get that idea? I would love to come."

"Then that is settled. Oh I am excited now! I shall see you tonight then." Phian let out a small giggle that almost made Ellette want to wretch as she scuttled off down the corridor. She suddenly stopped and swirled round, "Oh do not forget to bring your cuddly toys!"

Ellette's face dropped 'Cuddly toys! How old does she think we are! And as for that laugh…She's like Woody Allen on crack!'

……

A/N: Emily: Yes I know it is short! But in my defence George didn't help with this one! So what does everyone think about Legolas and Kai? Please please review! Yeesh! Look you made me beg! Here are the thank yous:

Ayiicaalime – I may have to buy you a fish to make up for seeing Green Day more than once!

Lil Smartass – Well Legolas in leather 'pauses to wipe the drool off the keyboard' is a nice idea I have other vision for this story. I reckon Kalin will be a great Dad, and we have yet to meet his wife yet!

Poolbum – Seven ear piercings, one lip piercing! Kalin is going to be a dad, I am actually quite excited!

Limpet666 – Hmm Faramir? Well that is an idea…


	5. Who else thinks Glorfindel is fit?

A/N: Emily: Hello! I am exceedingly hyper because in exactly nine hours I am going to see Simple Plan! Yay, they are so cute! (This was written on the 23rd) Again George has buggered off but hey that means no one can curb my randomness this chapter! Oh also I found out that I wrote Green Day and not Greenleaf in I think chapter three! Whoops my bad! I have Billie Joe on the brain!

Disclaimer: I disclaim everything including Kai who has been winding me up all week, he won't stop going on about the fact that he lost his battleship!

Chapter Five – Who else thinks Glorfindel is fit?

Elladan handed Legolas a scroll before sitting down warily next to his brother. "So how long do you think the blurry vision will last?" Groaned the elder twin as he watched three Legolas' unroll the next riddle left by George.

"It should wear off in the next few hours."

"That's a shame I quite like the idea of three Legolas'" Commented Elrohir dreamily.

"Urm…" Legolas hoped that that was the drugs still talking.

"I agree three Legolas' is quite the delicacy." Nodded Elladan.

"Definitely, best enjoyed with a long drink."

"I'm not a piece of meat!" Snapped Legolas, still not sure as to why he was taking umbrage to this inane conversation.

"No definitely not meat." Drooled Elrohir. "You are much sweeter like…"

"Like honey." Finished Elladan remembering a certain conversation that took place at Haldir and Boromir's stag and hen night.

Legolas gulped visibly and quickly began to read the riddle. "Push past the boredom and the rhyme, of the beings that do not know time. He has no lungs, but speaks freely; he will help you along if not clearly." He read it over again to himself and blinked in confusion. "I hate riddles."

"I can see four Legolas' now!" Chirped Elrohir.

"Four? That's not fair I've only got three. How come you have a fourth?" Whined Elladan. "Wait! I see another."

"I am afraid I am not another Legolas, _gwenyn_" Answered Glorfindel with a slight smirk. (twins).

The twins let out a tandem grumble and rubbed vigorously at their eyes. "Oh well I suppose you are cute as well."

"Well thank you." Glorfindel signalled for Legolas to join him outside of the twins' chambers. "Perhaps it would be better for us to leave them alone."

"And possibly safer as well." Remarked Legolas slightly worried at the prospect of fending off two drugged ellon.

"Worked it out yet?" Asked the infamous Balrog slayer.

Legolas looked down at the clue and shook his head. "He has no lungs? What kind of creature that talks has no lungs?"

"I would have thought a wood-elf like yourself would have got that straight away." Glorfindel chided slightly.

Legolas looked perplexedly at Glorfindel but then suddenly it hit him, "Trees! Of course, George is talking about the Ents. I have to go to Fangorn."

"Precisely."

"My lord, do you know where George is?" Asked Legolas wondering slightly at how much the lord knew.

"I am sworn to secrecy by the young King, but if you ever need any guidance I will help. I would very much like Lord Elrond to see his son again before he sails West."

"Lord Elrond is leaving?"

"Yes, soon. Now I must return to my duties before Erestor starts breathing down my neck."

"So are we off then?" Kalin rounded the corner.

"Yes. Has Kai and the boys left yet?"

"I just saw them off."

"Was Kai all right?" Legolas despite reassuring himself that he did the right thing still felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"Remarkably calm considering. It doesn't really bode well does it?"

"He won't do anything stupid will he?"

"Stupid is in Kai's nature, I wouldn't worry yourself too much about him, he'll come good eventually."

"I hope so."

……

"I thought we were going whoring?" Whined Xavier.

"I am to return you two home." Answered Kai.

"When did you start listening to what Dad says?" Asked Pierre.

"I have always listened to what Legolas has said." Replied Kai.

"What about the time he asked you not to sleep with our nanny and you did?"

"As I remember it, we did not do any sleeping. And besides I said I 'listened' to what he says. I never said I actually took on board what he said!"

"So why are you listening to him now?" Asked Xavier finally.

Kai just spurred his horse on.

"Something is wrong, Kai never behaves like this. What did Ada actually say to him?"

Pierre shrugged. "All I know is that Fiminur is going to take charge of Mirkwood while Ada is away."

"Fiminur, Valar no! I shall die of boredom should that idiotic fool be put in charge. He'll make us study!"

"He wouldn't, would he! That's just cruel; no he would never do that, not while Kai is still around. Kai won't let him do that to us."

"As long as we stay with Kai Fiminur won't be able to make us do a thing." Reassured Xavier.

"All this talk of Fiminur has made me feel quite dull." Yawned Pierre dramatically.

"Well we could always think up a surprise for Phian for when we get back."

"Broccoli!"

"Bats." Responded Xavier.

"What are you talking about?"

"Are we not playing the random alphabet word game?"

"No! Broccoli, Phian is allergic to it; we could use that to our advantage. I heard it gave her hives once."

"That is positively evil brother." Grinned Xavier.

"I wonder how Ellette is getting on infiltrating Phian's pack."

"Maybe she might even enjoy herself."

There was a slight pause, the twins look at each other, wrinkled their noses and shouted; "Nah!"

"Apple Strudel." Began Pierre.

"Aquifer."

"Anchor."

"Amber."

"Um…Air"

"A…um…um…Angry Squirrels!"

"You can't have that one!"

……

"Let's play truth!" Squealed one of the elleths.

'Anything but truth.' Groaned Ellette inwardly as Phian and her cronies formed a circle.

Ellette had so far survived three hours in the land of all things girly and pink and she was starting to crack.

"Ellette is first as she is new!" Announced Phian. "You have to come up with a question."

"Um…I don't really…uh…"

"Come on, you can ask absolutely anything." Encouraged a small brunette elf.

"Um…Okay who do you fancy?"

As soon as the words had left her mouth the girls began to giggle idiotically and it took all of Ellette' strength not to turn into a homicidal maniac, she was sure the hair clips they had shoved in her hair earlier could be used as weaponry.

The small brunette was first to answer. "I've always had this little crush on…well your brother Xavier actually."

"Why in your right mind would you fancy him!" Gaped Ellette forgetting the fact that she completely despised this game.

"It is all that dark hair of his and those dreamy eyes…"

"You've got it bad." Remarked Vivnia a blond mouthy elleth who liked things her own way. "Shame you are going to have to wait another thirty two years till he hits majority."

"Actually she doesn't." Informed Ellette with slight satisfaction. "She only has to wait another seventeen and half years."

"Elves reach majority at fifty and you and your brothers are only eighteen." Snarled Vivnia.

"Yes but we are only half elves so with elves reaching majority at fifty and humans at twenty one, my brothers and I are averaging at thirty five and a half!" Grinned Ellette.

Vivnia did the math and admitted defeat with a scowl.

"Does anyone else think the lord Glorfindel is fit?" Asked Tathriel. "I know he is way old but he just sooooo breathtaking."

"I suppose so but I definitely like my elves dark. I mean get a load of those Rivendell twins. I swear I almost died when they came here, I don't even think I could choose between them!" Giggled Nienna.

"Why choose? Just have both!" All the girls, bar Ellette who was actually quite bored at this precise moment, burst into laughter.

"Well I would much prefer a proper elf, like that gorgeous galadhel Rumil. Do you remember when he and his brother came to visit the King and they started sparring with no shirts on." Vivnia let out small sigh.

"As I seem to remember that was the same sparring match where Ada whoop Rumil's arse." Ellette said smugly.

"That's because your Ada is…" Vivnia stopped suddenly deciding it was probably for the best that she did not drool over Legolas in front of his daughter.

Ellette raised an eyebrow.

"Um…so Phian who do you fancy then?" Vivnia babbled quickly.

"Well…I…" Stammered Phian. Ellette's eyes narrowed dangerously. And all the girls went silent. "Look Ellette, I feel that now we are good friends I can tell you anything."

"Go on…" Prodded Ellette.

"I don't actually fancy your dad. It's my father that is pushing the idea. Not that I don't think Legolas is attractive, I mean he is positively perfect!"

"Please stop." Gagged Ellette.

"If you must know it is that gorgeous lieutenant of his, Kai that I adore."

Ellette wrung her hands together hoping that this would stop them from wrapping around Phian's neck.

"Kai!" Gasped Vivnia. "What that elf does not know in the bedroom department is not worth knowing!"

"You've slept with him?" Asked Ellette as calmly as she could.

"Hasn't everybody?"

It was at this point after she took a quick look around the room that Ellette realised that it was just her and Phian that had not.

"Yes well, I do not just want to sleep with him." Corrected Phian.

"Oh so you think you can tame the infamous Kai!" Laughed Vivnia spitefully. "As I've heard it there was only ever one female that could capture his heart."

"And who might that be?" Asked Ellette.

"Your mother." Smirked the discourteous elf. "It was her that he was willing to give up Mirkwood for."

"That is just a rumour."

"Really? Then why don't you ask your Ada next time you see him."

……

A/N: Emily: Meh! I need caffeine, hyper levels are dipping, must listen to more Simple Plan! Oooh I have an idea, how about everybody who has this story on their favourites review and I get twenty-five reviews for this chapter! I know I am pushing my luck but it would be so cool, you don't even have to write loads, maybe just 'Yum Kai!' or something. Anyhow here are the thank yous:

Chaotic Jinx – Would I dare kill Kai? Hmmm? Well I killed myself so I am pretty much capable of anything. Kai and Ellette – that would be a happy ending but I not so good at them! Go me and my riddles, glad you like. I like the word crack, but now there is a rumour going around that I'm on it which isn't good, especially when George gets wind of it. Speaking of George, he has disappeared in fit of self pitying 'I miss Emily' rage!

Lil Smartass – There are more stoned twins in this one just for you and as you have probably read they like Legolas even if you don't, and do you really think Kai is going to disappear for good!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – I have to admit I stole that quote!

Ayiicaalime – I'm glad you like Ellette because I thought she was being slightly over shadowed by her annoying brothers! Yay fish!

Limpet666 – Okay I shall make a deal with you, if you update your story Kai then I will bring Faramir back into the story. Deal? And yes you can have Kai while he is banished.

Lil'rook – Wow! Someone who doesn't like Kai! I congratulate you for your courage, I would watch out for limpet666 she is very obsessive that one! It is a good job Kalin is in this story loads then!


	6. Lonely Dwarfs

Disclaimer: Meh! Legolas is mine, mine I tell you! 'cackles evilly then is hit over the head by a angry looking Tolkien' Fine, fine have him back, just watch the hair next time!

Chapter Six – Lonely Dwarfs.

It had been an hour since Kai with Xavier and Pierre in tow had arrived back in Mirkwood and now the triplets were assembled in Kai's room watching him pack.

"You can't leave!" Protested Xavier.

"Please don't leave us Kai." Cried Ellette.

"I'm sorry kiddo, but I have to." Kai answered as he stuffed one last shirt into his pack.

"I don't understand why you are leaving. Did Ada say something?" Asked Pierre.

"This has nothing to do with your father." Kai picked up his pack and marched off towards the stables with the triplets frantically trying to keep up.

"Don't you love us anymore?" This sniffled question from the triplets stopped Kai in his tracks.

"Of course I do, this is something I just have to do. I promise I will return to you one day."

"What is it you have to do?"

"Um I…have to…um…find myself!" Blurted Kai automatically realising how lame he sounded.

"Find yourself? I can do that for you." Xavier pointed at Kai, "There you are."

"It is not as simple as that. I am on a path to enlightenment."

"What's that?" Asked Pierre.

"I…um…don't know yet, but I promise I'll find out for you." Kai grabbed the brothers and squished them into a hug. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"We won't." Chimed the brothers dolefully.

"Goodbye Ellette, look after those two for me, make sure they don't torture the hobbits too much and I…um."

"What?"

"Never mind. Goodbye kiddo." And with that Kai jumped on his horse and left.

"Triplets!" Called a booming voice causing the Greenleaf three to flinch visibly. "You three are to report to the library at once."

"And why I that then Fiminur?" Asked Pierre.

"It is time for your first history lesson."

A resounding groan was all that answered Fiminur's order.

……

"You look rough." Commented Kalin.

"I didn't sleep well last night." Answered Legolas after stifling a yawn.

"Perhaps you need some entertainment."

"Like what?"

"My infamous party trick!" Kalin yelled causing every bird within a hundred metre radius of Fangorn Forest to flee.

"Kalin, the last time you did your party trick, half the Mirkwood population of squirrels migrated."

"You say that as if it were a bad thing! Anyway I was talking about my other party trick."

"Go on then."

"I need a piece of spaghetti."

"Why on Arda would I be carrying spaghetti?"

"I shall just have to use this convenient piece of string I found instead."

Legolas watch in slight amusement but mostly disgust as Kalin proceeded to snort the string up his right nostril, gag a few times and ensue by pulling it out of his mouth.

"What did you think?" Asked Kalin as he tried to hand Legolas the offending piece of string.

"Well I don't know what to say really…um…Amaria is a very lucky elleth."

"BAROOM! Welcome young master Legolas." Greeted Treebeard loudly causing Kalin to almost fall off his horse.

'How is it that something as conspicuous as a walking, talking tree manages to sneak up on an elf!' Thought Kalin irritably.

"What brings you here to our forest?" Breathed the Ent slowly.

"We believe that you have some information on the whereabouts of George."

"Well bless my bark! I do have something that will help you on your way. Let me just…" Treebeard began to shake his branches. "It was here somewhere…oh bother…"

Kalin wrinkled his nose in thought, "You remind me of someone."

"Kalin, he is a tree, how could he remind of anything other than another tree!" Legolas questioned.

"Just listen to his voice…he sounds just like…"

"If I could just get this branch adjusted…" Mumbled Treebeard to himself.

"Gimli!" Yelped Legolas.

Treebeard went quiet and looked up guiltily. "BAROOM! I don't know what you mean!"

"Gimli is that you!" Asked Legolas incredulously.

"Oh…well…I…oh you caught me." The dwarf appeared out of the branches sheepishly.

"I don't understand where is the real Treebeard?"

"There isn't a Treebeard. It was all a hoax." Answered Gimli.

"Okay I'm confused, if Treebeard doesn't exist then who was the tree that looked after Merry and Pippin?" Asked Kalin.

"All the Ents do not exist." Gimli explained. "A very long time ago the dwarfs decided to create these machines that looked like trees that could be operated by us from the inside."

"So if you are Treebeard then how did you manage to be in two places at once!" Raised Legolas.

"Oh I'm not the permanent Treebeard. I'm just covering for a friend; he hurt his hand while fixing one of Quickbeam's branches."

"I don't believe this, why on Arda would you do this!"

"Why not?" Shrugged Gimli sheepishly.

"To increase your altitude maybe?" Offered Kalin.

"It was just a whim." Replied the dwarf taking slight umbrage.

"Gimli, you do not just invent an entire race on a whim!" Yelled Legolas.

"Well, we…the dwarfs…we…we wanted the elves to like us." Blabbed Gimli.

"What!"

"You elves loved trees and hated dwarfs so we decided to combine the two and have you like us." Gimli sniffled.

Legolas and Kalin looked at each other and back at the dwarf.

"I don't know what to say really…" Said Kalin.

"No me neither…" Legolas uttered not sure what to do with a snivelling dwarf.

"Oh…don't mind me…just…just don't tell anyone of this please! I beg you!"

"Calm down, of course we won't tell anyone." Assured Legolas.

Kalin began to choke, "We won't! Are you mad this is bloody brilliant! We could make money out of this little scandal!"

"No please I'll be stripped of my Dwarf stripes!"

"Dwarf stripes!" Laughed Kalin who was promptly shut-up by Legolas landing a solid thump on the back of his head.

"Of course we won't tell anyone Gimli." Promised Legolas although he was already planning how he would break this news to Haldir when he next saw him.

"Well that is good news." Gimli sighed heavily.

"Can I just ask one question?" Approached Kalin. "What was all this business with the Entwives then?"

"It was the female dwarfs; they got fed up with all the pretending so just went back to the halls." Explain Gimli.

Kalin shoved his fist in his mouth trying to stifle the laughter.

"I suppose you'll be wanting this now." Gimli handed Legolas a scroll.

"One is cheery the other slow, it was in this darkness that they did grow. Find them where they had last been, the finest Hash bar middle-earth has seen." Read Legolas.

"You've got to give that George credit, he really can rhyme!" Pointed out a surprised Kalin.

"It looks like we are off to visit Merry and Pippin then."

"It's party time!" Whooped Kalin.

"You sound like your brother." Commented Legolas much to Kalin's horror.

……

"But Fiminur, Ada always teaches us!" Protested Xavier.

"Well Ada is not here, so sit down and do as I say!" Yelled Fiminur as he threw the history book down on the table. "Now I am far too busy and important to tutor you, and frankly I would rather spend the afternoon with a soiree of dwarfs than be stuck in a room with you three, so I have asked someone to kindly step in for me. Elflings, welcome the lord Glorfindel."

"Glory!" Shrieked the triplets excitedly as they launched themselves at the newly arrived elf lord.

"It is good to see you to." Smiled the lord as he forcibly removed the triplets from his various limbs. "I will take it from here Fiminur." As soon as the stuffy advisor had left Glorfindel sat the triplets down, "Did Kai say where he was going?"

"No, he made up some rubbish about 'the road to enlightenment.' What happened Glory, what did Ada say to him?" Asked Pierre.

"Never you mind that now, I'm sure Kai will back soon enough. Now let us begin your history lesson."

"I'm afraid we can't." Pointed out Ellette.

"And why not exactly?"

"Xavier has taken the history books on a road to en-'light'-enment."

Glorfindel looked over to the darkling brother and watched him set alight the third volume of the History of Arda and throw it on the pile along with the already burning volumes of one and two.

"I see, well I suppose…" Glorfindel was interrupted by the door flying open.

"Why didn't you tell me!" Screeched Phian as she marched over to Ellette.

"Huh?"

"That Kai was leaving!"

"Well I didn't get that much warning myself!"

"You just didn't want me to say goodbye! It is obvious that you fancy him! What, were worried about the competition!"

Ellette scanned the Dulux colour chart and decided that deep red was the best colour to turn.

"You fancy Kai!" Yelped Xavier and Pierre.

Ellette followed her chameleon act by gaping like a fish.

"You have no chance with Kai, he only thinks of you as a kid!" Spat Phian before storming out.

"Xavier, Pierre go and entertain the hobbits." Ordered Glorfindel firmly.

"But…"

"Go now!"

The brothers left without being told again.

"Ellette looked really upset didn't she?" Said Pierre.

"Yeah, I guess this explains why she wanted to get Phian so badly and not tell Kai about it."

"It looked like she was going to cry."

"No one makes our sister cry and gets away with it!"

"Unless it is us of course." Corrected Pierre.

"Of course. It is time for Phian to pay."

……

"Ellette? Are you all right?" Asked Glorfindel gently.

"Nothing a big hole in the ground couldn't cure," Ellette sighed.

"You do realise that you are the thing that will bring Kai back."

Ellette let out a sobbing laugh, "Phian was right, I am just a kid." She slowly got up and wondered out onto the balcony.

"You will see." Whispered Glorfindel.

……

"Well Legolas finally snapped with me, just like he said he would one day. Granted there was less jelly and half naked wrestling than you wanted but hey…I'm leaving Mirkwood for good." Kai knelt down by Emily's grave. "Maybe I'll come back and visit you, probably when I hear that Legolas is out of town. I have no desire what so ever to wrestle with him despite what you may want. I'm sorry I let you down, with the kids and everything, I promised to help look after them but managed to ruin that as well, I shouldn't…Ellette she is….oh Legolas was right I am worthless. Goodbye Emily."

……

A/N: Emily: 'sobs' No Kai! I want him back.

George: Then write him back you moron!

E: Meh! Anyhow… I asked for twenty-five reviews and what did I get…five! Well meh to all of you who didn't review I'm just going to sit in my room hold my Legolas cardboard cut-out and cry, to those of you who did…

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Metal baseball bat…whimper…

Lil' rook – I think it is rather what she 'won't' do to you! Glad you like the chappie, hopefully this one deserves lots and lots of reviews!

Lil Smartass – I got the full rundown of your senior prefect speech from a private source. He he. I don't do happy endings!

Limpet666 – I bet you would like to have a go at taming Kai!

Ayiicaalime – Nic wants to poke you too. Well next stop The Hives! I did hear about Liz's speech…


	7. Legolas and the Grapefruit

A/N: Emily: What do you call a chav in a box with a padlock on it? Safe! He he that is my really bad joke of the day! As for those who have no idea what a chav is, you are lucky!

Disclaimer – Meh!

Chapter Seven – Legolas and the grapefruit.

"I think that is new." Commented Kalin as he observed a half naked girl dancing around a newly installed pole.

"What do you bet Kai had something to do with the hobbits fitting that piece of equipment?" Said Legolas as he made his way through the crowds that occupied Merry and Pippin's infamous hash bar.

"Legolas!" Called a familiar voice from across the room.

"Boromir, what brings you here?" Asked Legolas as he finally made it to Boromir's table.

"Haldir and I are taking a break from duties."

"Where is Haldir?" Asked Kalin as he removed a giggling pole dancer from his arm and sat down.

Boromir nodded to the floor causing an intrigued Legolas and Kalin to look down. The sight of an inebriated Haldir sleeping peacefully greeted them

"What happened to him?" Asked Legolas.

"He got a little over zealous with the drowning of the sorrows. He looks far too beautiful when he sleeping…"

"Even when he is drooling?" Interrupted Kalin.

"I could not wake him." Finished Boromir.

"Drowning his sorrows?" Legolas enquired.

"We have wanted to adopt a child for a while now, but some problems have arisen."

"Problems?"

"Namely Faramir." Boromir sighed. "He is protesting about being too young to become an uncle, especially since he is still whining about being dumped recently."

"Faramir was dumped?"

"Do you remember that girl he brought to mine and Haldir's wedding?"

Legolas nodded.

"Well she dumped him; apparently she was seen with a random dark haired elf." Kalin and Legolas looked knowingly at each other. "Anyway, Haldir has got it into his head that Faramir doesn't like him and I cannot find that brother of mine to get him to convince Haldir otherwise."

"He has probably joined Uncle's Anonymous." Grinned Kalin.

"Uncle's what?"

"You don't want to know." Said Legolas. "Are Merry and Pippin around?"

"They are out of town at the moment; they will be back this evening."

"We have some time to kill then, drinks all around!" Announced Kalin as he jumped up, kicking Haldir in the process as he bounded over to the bar.

"So what do you want with Merry and Pippin then?" Asked Boromir as he helped a mumbling Haldir up.

"They have something that will help me find George." Answered Legolas.

"George! Is something wrong?"

"No, no nothing new. It is just that he children are growing up without their uncle."

"I miss having him around." Said Boromir as he remembered the countless times he and George had cleared out Lorien's cellars.

"There are trees that I miss." Babbled Haldir.

Boromir looking lovingly at his husband as Kalin placed the drinks on the table.

"Don't worry Haldir is strictly on water from now in." Informed Kalin as Haldir looked dubiously at the clear liquid.

"Um…Kalin, is there grapefruit in this?" Asked Legolas as he sniffed at his drink uncertainly.

"Of course not Legolas. You are getting seriously paranoid in your old age."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Three minutes later…

"And then he said that the females got…got…got…got…what did they get?" Slurred Legolas.

"The female dwarves got fed up of pretending they were trees to please the elves." Finished Kalin.

"Trees are pretty." Gushed Legolas.

"So how much grapefruit did you put in his drink then?" Asked Boromir with a smirk.

"Just enough to keep him awake." Laughed Kalin.

"I…I…should apologise." Muttered Legolas.

"To whom?"

"Kai…he is my best…tree…"

"You mean friend?"

"Yes tree, like...I said! He…saved me from big…rabbit when I was…eight."

"I believe that was a bear Legolas." Corrected Kalin amidst sniggers.

"A bear? No…no…Kai is not…a bear."

"I still can't believe the Ents do not exist." Commented Boromir.

"It makes me feel a little queasy thinking about a dwarf trying to impress me." Kalin wrinkled his nose.

"Grapefruits make my queasy." Legolas sniffed.

"I bet they do. Why are you so allergic to grapefruits by the way?"

"Afraid!"

"Afraid of what?"

"The grapefruits…evil…"

"And why are they evil?"

"They hit me…when I was little."

"They hit you?" Laughed Boromir.

"When Kai threw them at…at…at me."

"Kai is the reason you are like this whenever you have grapefruit!"

"I missss…him."

"He'll come back Legolas, don't you worry your little drunk head about it."

"Do…do you know…who else I miss?"

"Who?"

"I…I…want my…my Emily back." Whispered Legolas into his drink. Boromir and Kalin looked at each other worriedly. Legolas, ever since the day he lost his wife, had never spoken about her to anyone other than his children. "She…was everythink…to me…like one of those…really useful…um…things…I love her…she was my tree."

"Boromir's my tree." Blurted Haldir who was on the floor again.

"Your tree has still…got it's…leaves." Mumbled Legolas. "She made me laugh…but now I cry all the…all the…the…time."

"Come on Legolas lets get you to bed." Kalin instructed gently.

"There is a free room on the second floor." Boromir told Kalin.

"Come on Legolas, sleepy time."

"I like sleepy, I get…to, to, to dream of my tree."

……

'Maybe I am just a kid.' Ellette sighed as she wandered around the gardens.

"She thinks Kai would want someone like her." Sniggered a group of girls.

'Maybe I should start digging my own grave now.' Ellette stopped when she reached the stables. She looked over to her horse, Big Ears, which her dad had given her on her eighteenth. 'Or maybe…maybe I should just leave.'

…...

A/N: Emily: Argh! Don't yell at me I know it is short! In my defence I blame impromptu tests that threw me off course! Well, what do we all think then? Here are the thanks yous for the last chapter:

Lil Smartass – Leave my grammar alone! And you just had to mention Legolas drunk! I shall never tell you anything again! As for your speech I've been given two renditions of it now.

Nicole – I will keep writing this for as long as I can spread random funniness onto the bread that is the world!

Ayiicaalime – Atreyu noooooooooooooo! Do you remember that from the first story! A Kai in Swanley! Cooooooooool. Nope I don't know him, I know the Belgian Kai in Canterbury!

Princess Shadowcat – Well Kai is a mixture of people a know including a mad Belgian and an ex-boyfriend so he was bound to be a bit strange! George confuses me in real life but he isn't as good as riddles as me!

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – I wouldn't put spaces between my updates if I could type at the speed of light but alas, I shall have to update weekly but hopefully over Easter I can speed up.

Limpet666 – Yeah lonely dwarves are a bit creepy. Didn't really think of that when I wrote it. Hmmm? Where is the new Kai chapter!

Eltavor – Kai and Ellette? We shall see….

Poolbum – Kai will return, hopefully in a spandex suit! Yum!


	8. Mad Gondorian Kings

A/N: Emily: Sorry Dudes I know this is uber late. I could say that I was in hospital after being shot nine times, however, I am neither 50cent nor a liar. Actually I've moved into my friend's house and everything is a bit chaotic and under boxes at the moment! As for George, I don't even think he knows where he is.

Disclaimer: If I were to disclaim everything including myself does that mean I don't exist!

Chapter Eight – Mad Gondorian Kings.

"Glory! Glory!" Pierre and Xavier hurled themselves against the library door and crashed through landing at the Lord's feet.

"Is there something I can do for you?" Asked Glorfindel calmly.

"Ellette's gone!"

"And you know this how?"

"Her horse is gone!" Yelled Xavier.

"She may have just gone for a ride." Reasoned Glorfindel.

"Noooo! Ellette does not just go for rides, especially since she is afraid to go out into the woods on her own!"

"All right now calm down, let me find Fiminur." It did not take long for Glorfindel to find the pompous lord who had taken up residence in the King's residence.

"Lord Glorfindel, I am rather busy right now what do you want?" Huffed Fiminur as he rustled some papers.

"I believe it is you that King Legolas placed in charge of his children."

"Naturally."

"So I would assume that it would be you that took responsibility if one of them went missing then?"

"Well of course but as you have probably noticed I run a tight ship around here, it is highly unlikely that any of the triplets would disapp…"

"Ellette is missing." Interrupted Glorfindel calmly.

"What!"

"Her horse is gone and she is suspected to have ridden off into the woods, which is apparently very out of character for her."

"And why on Middle-earth would she have run off, she has no reason to!"

"Of course not other than the fact that your daughter Phian humiliated her horribly and has set the local gossips off. Frankly Fiminur I am glad I will not be here when you have to explain to Legolas why his only daughter is wondering around Middle-earth on her own!"

……

"Here drink this." Boromir placed a pint glass filled with a brown liquid that was already beginning to solidify in front of Legolas.

Legolas groaned as he clutched his head, "What is it?"

"A concoction George once made for me, it cures the ultimate hangover."

"It looks evil, what is in it?" Legolas mumbled as his stomach clenched.

"Guinness, a special ingredient and of course…" Boromir paused as he smashed an egg and added to the mixture. "Now get that down your neck."

"Here goes nothing." Legolas grimaced as he downed the pint in one. "Uhh! What was the special ingredient?"

"You don't wanna know." Informed Kalin casually as he entered the bar. "So how are you feeling this wonderful morn Legolas?"

"I hate you."

"I love you too my dear friend. Remember anything?"

"I remember trees…and rabbits…and bears!" Legolas groaned and buried his head in his arms.

"That's about all you need know." Grinned Kalin. "As a peace offering I managed to round up a certain two hobbits."

"Legolas!" Cried Merry and Pippin.

"Not so loud please." Yelped Legolas, "How are you two?"

"Just fine and dandy." Replied Pippin smugly making a point of scraping the chair he was to sit upon loudly across the floor.

"Is it me or is that bug crawling really loudly." Asked Legolas as he finally gave into the hangover and collapsed face first onto the table.

Kalin went to wake him but was stopped by Boromir, "Don't bother waking him, let him sleep it off."

"Just make sure he is still breathing once in a while." Grumbled Haldir as he and his hangover joined the group. "What's that you got there?"

"It's to help Legolas find George." Answered Merry as he handed the hobbit's clue over to Kalin.

"Through green and gold and veiled TNT, the great mallorn that hides the key. The Hidden Realm holds the final clue, but that's if that freaky witch will give it to you." Read Kalin.

"I am far too hung-over to defend my lady. I shall just make the point of objecting to the fact that George called Galadriel a witch." Mumbled Haldir.

"What about freaky?"

"Well he does have a point."

"Yeah because when she turned all green and angry Frodo wet his pant, he had to borrow mine for three days while his dried out." Informed Pippin.

"Mae govannen." Called a voice from the door.

"Arwen! What are you doing here!" Boromir got up to greet the Gondorian Queen.

"It's Aragorn, he…he well…I think he may have lost his mind."

"I hear it…her voice…in my brain…all the time!" Babbled Aragorn as he stumbled into the bar past his wife.

"What happened to him?" Asked Legolas who had been awoken by the commotion.

"I have no idea, one minute he was fine and then the next…this!" Arwen collapsed into a nearby chair. "You don't think he is turning into a Zombie again do you!"

"No, only Emily could manage that." Legolas said sadly.

At the mention of Emily's name Aragorn let out an ear piercing scream, did three laps of the table and run into a wall knocking himself out cold.

"What a tit." Said the random dude.

"We'll have to take him to Lorien with us." Said Boromir.

"Why are we going to Lorien?" Asked a confused Legolas and Arwen.

"The Hobbits' clue leads us there, and I figure the freaky elf witch is the only one that can figure out what is wrong with the sleepy skitzo over there." Explained Haldir.

"Do we have to take Aragorn with us?" Grumbled Kalin.

……

"The ultimate payback." Announced Pierre to his brother.

"Phian is our new arch enemy; we will smite her with our full smityness." Yelled Xavier.

"We will snap her like a rabbit snaps lettuce!"

"Like a shark snaps bone."

"That is better!"

"Arda hath known no fury like two brother scorned!"

"We shall avenge our sister!"

"We need supplies!"

"We need to raid mum's room."

"If Ada found out he would kill us. No one is allowed in that room!"

"We must, mum is the only one who doth hath the components we need!"

"Why hast thou voice changed brother?"

"I know not, we really shouldth stoppeth now."

"I am so furious I cannot stoppeth brother, thou do not understand!"

"Okay there comes a point when this isn't funny anymore."

"Sorry."

"Right, now to naneth's lair."

……

"I think we are lost Big Ears." Sniffed Ellette. "Maybe we should turn back…oh but then that would just give them all something else to talk about, 'oh that's the elf that tried to run away but came back because she was scared,' no I'm not going back!"

Big Ears grunted as it began to rain.

"Oh great, look there is a cave not too far south of here, we'll head that way."

……

"What's this?" Pierre pulled out a box. "Wow, these pictures are really realistic, it is as if they have been frozen in time."

"They are called photographs; remember Ada has one of mum in his pocket."

"Argh!" Yelped Pierre as he threw one of the pictures under the bed.

"What!"

"Scarred for life!"

"What was on the picture?"

"You don't want to know!" Gulped Pierre as he tried to block the image of the seven naked elves including his father tied to lampposts after a certain stag do.

"Hey look what I found." Xavier pulled out a book and handed it to his brother.

"It's perfect!" Pierre grinned evilly as he read out the title, "The Anarchist Cookbook for Elves."

……

"Is anybody there? Hello? I'm sure I heard something."

"Hello?"

"Who's there?"

"George. Who's that?"

"Bernie."

"Bernie? It's a bit dark in here."

"Hang on a sec I'll just get you a light."

The cavern lit up with a great ball of fire.

"That's a neat trick."

"Well it comes with the job description."

"Oh really what job is that then?"

"I'm a Balrog."

"Oh yes so you are, now you mention it I can really see the resemblance."

"Um…right…so what are you doing here then?"

"Investigating this, investigating that, general investigation."

"Oh cool."

"Quite a nice place you got here…Hang on a sec…you can speak!"

"No not really."

"But I can hear you!"

"Yes, that is because you are mad."

"Oh right. Are you sure I'm not dreaming?"

"No you are definitely not dreaming."

"Pinch me…See I don't feel anything."

"That is because you are pinching me."

"Oh right. I thought I could smell burning."

"You have really lost it haven't you?"

"Do you want to meet my chimp!" Chirped George as he skipped off.

……

Emily: Yay the first George scene and you only had to wait eight chapters! Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass – Damn you and your commas,

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – I love it when Legolas is drunk, I think it should happen more often.

Ayiicaalime – Yes the Belgian Kai is extremely interesting. Ooooh I saw you yesterday (Thursday) loitering around Dartford park!

Limpet666 – Yes I am dead and yes I am remaining dead, so channel your energy on something else like…um…lots of 'Kai' chapters! Yay! George is back soon though!

Princess Shadowcat – Wow that was a lot of questions! Yes Ellette just left, you know stroppy teenager and all. The other two as you have probably just read are enacting their revenge. George will be found eventually. The hobbits found out about strip clubs ages ago from George. Legolas and grapefruits, he he that is just one of my whims really!


	9. Laxative

A/N: Emily: Yes we are back with regular updates! Yay! So now you can review loads again, I am a needy person!

George: Yep she is extremely needy! Probably why your boyfriend dumped you!

Emily: Shut up!

Disclaimer: Hmmm…what to disclaim, how about George, that would make me feel better. Oh alright then, everything you recognise isn't mine unfortunately.

Chapter Nine – Laxative.

"Right, read it back to me." Instructed Pierre.

"Battery." Listed Xavier.

"Check."

"Tar."

"Check."

"Feathers."

"Check."

"Toy truck."

"Check."

"Catapult."

"In progress."

"Spades."

"Check."

"The ultimate payback on Phian."

"Priceless!" Yelled Pierre with an evil grin.

"Hey what's that noise!" Xavier ran out to the balcony and watched as a large group of Elven soldiers made there way out of the heart of Mirkwood.

"Glorfindel is leading them to find Ellette, I hope she is alright, for a sister she isn't that bad!"

"Why hasn't Fiminur done anything to help find her! Maybe Phian isn't the only one who needs a taking down."

"I'm sure I saw the perfect thing in Mum's closet." Grinned Pierre.

……

"Did we have to bring him?" Whined Kalin for the fifteenth time that afternoon.

"He needs help!" Yelled Arwen patting Aragorn's head affectionately.

"You can say that again." Mumbled a hung-over Haldir.

"Are you sure that Galadriel is going to be able to help him?" Asked Legolas.

"Hopefully." Answered Boromir, "Although I don't really know if she can cure madness."

"He is not mad!" Protested Arwen.

"Well he is doing a brilliant impression of a madman!" Kalin muttered while flicking the Gondorian King on the head reaching across his horse.

"She…she is…after me…you thought death would stop her but she'll never stop…she will never stop." Shrieked Aragorn.

This outburst caught Legolas' attention, "What did you just say?"

"She is still around…" Aragorn whispered as if not to disturb what was haunting him.

"Who is still around?" Demanded Legolas.

"Emily." Aragorn said the name as if it pained him to say it, well it did pain him to say it as he promptly fell off of Arwen and his horse after Legolas landed a well placed fist to the man's jaw.

"Legolas!" Screamed Arwen angrily, "He doesn't know what he saying, he didn't mean to upset you!"

"I don't have time for this." Dismissed Legolas. "I have to get Lorien." With that Legolas spurred Arod on followed by an amused Kalin and an uneasy Boromir and Haldir.

……

"Oh this is useless I'll never be able to light this fire." Sighed Ellette as she sheltered in a small cave.

Crash.

"What was that!" Ellette leaped up and looked around frantically. "Hello? Is that you Big Ears?"

Slowly she could hear footsteps approach.

"Who's there! I…I…know karate…I'm warning you…" Before Ellette could finish her warning a hand clamped over her mouth smothering her scream.

……

"You've come about George." Stated Galadriel.

Legolas nodded. Kalin, however, twitched nervously as he wondered how much of what he was thinking Galadriel knew. He especially did not want her to know what he was thinking at that precise mo…

"Kalin! You dirty little elf!" Cried Galadriel indignantly.

"Sorry." Mumbled an annoyed Kalin.

"So Legolas, if you do happen to find George what makes you think he will want to involve himself in the lives of your children?" Question the freaky elf witch.

"He is their uncle, of course he would want to be involved."

"He was their uncle when they were babies but that did not stop him from leaving eighteen years ago."

"That was different he was grieving."

"So were you but you did not leave. Legolas, I want you to think long and hard before you seek out George, then maybe, just maybe I will give you the final clue."

"Well isn't this a cheerful conversation." Sighed Kalin dramatically. "He Glady wanna hear something funny and totally creepy!"

"I wish you wouldn't call me that! Oh go on then what is it?"

"The Ents don't exist! It was the…" Kalin was interrupted by Galadriel.

"Dwarves. Yes I already know."

"What! How?" Kalin practically growled irritated that his story had been ruined.

"Gimli told me."

"Why would Gimli just tell you? He swore us to secrecy, he practically begged us!" Asked Legolas getting slightly suspicious.

"Well he…um…" Galadriel turned a deep shade of red.

"You mean...?" Legolas asked warily hoping he would never have to finish that question. At Galadriel's nod Legolas gulped trying to hold down the nausea. "I think I shall just…" Legolas never made it out the door fainting just under the archway.

"What? I don't get it, how did…Wait! You don't mean you and Gimli had…together…oh!" Kalin joined Legolas in a heap on the floor.

……

"The trap is set." Pierre placed the final touch to the elaborate and frankly one of the most ludicrous traps ever dreamt up.

"So what happens now?" Asked Xavier.

"Well it is our job now to make sure Phian drinks a lot of liquids, and as soon as she feels the call of nature we shall take up our places. Now did you manage to persuade that elfling to go ahead with the plan?"

"It took a lot of smarties and a promise that we would teach him archery but I finally managed to get him to agree."

"Excellent."

Ten hours later…

"That's her twentieth drink and she still hasn't gone!" Cried Pierre hysterically.

The brothers had managed to get themselves invited to a late night gathering organised by Phian to show her respect to missing Ellette. However, even a complete idiot could see that Phian was not exactly lamenting the loss of the elven princess.

"She like a bloody horse! It just keeps going in but never comes out! Look out the window, its bliming morning! She's held it in all night!" Exclaimed Xavier.

"This calls for the big guns." Pierre pulled out a small packet of white powder.

"What is that!"

"It is called a laxative apparently." Read Pierre.

"Where did you get it from?"

"It said in that book we found that it would help, but I couldn't find any. However, by some strange coincidence just as I said allowed that I needed some I found some in a bag."

"What bag?"

"It was red and had a strange girl called…um…powerpuff or something on it."

"Oh right. So um…what do you do with the powder then?"

"I do nothing with the powder dear brother for you are the one who is going to put it in her drink."

"Me! Why me?"

"Because I am older than you, heir to the Mirkwood throne and more importantly I say so!"

"That is just ridiculous." Mumbled Xavier knowing that he always lost when his brother pulled rank. "Fine, I'll do it but you have to distract her and her cronies."

"And how do you suggest I do that?"

"Use you wit, charm and imagination."

Pierre raised an eyebrow in thought. "Sod that I've a much better idea, right get over there and when I signal you pour it in."

"Signal? What signal?" Xavier asked but Pierre had already run off. "Great, well this should be interesting!"

……

A/N: George: In advance I would like to apologise about Pierre and Xavier's trap next chapter, we thought of it along with Emily's best friend Nic on a bench at some random time on Easter Sunday after eating a stupid amount of food!

Emily: I second that apology it is fairly random! Anyhow here are the thank yous:

Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Legolas and Grapefruit should definitely become a current occurrence! As it shall be soon that George will be back! I am actually really excited about having him back, the weird can begin again, plus as a reward for such a lovely review, between me and you, Kai shall be exploding back on the scene in a few chapters time!

Billie Joe Armstrong, Ian Watkins, Bam Margera and Johnny Knoxville are mine I tell thee! – I totally love your name! Except for the part about Ian Watkins! He he. Yummy Bam and his provocative tattoo! Wow you do read fast, well I am glad you have caught up and can now review every week!

Eltavor – I know the last chapter was slow but I really couldn't help it! This one was faster!


	10. Elfnapped

A/N: Emily: I spent the day painting snails with tippex! Don't ask!

Disclaimers: Please don't sue me; I own nothing but an overdraft!

Chapter Ten – Elfnapped!

"Ladies and Gentlemen if I could just have your attention for a moment." Pierre climbed up onto the corner stage. "I would just like to thank you for all supporting my family and I at this dark time. I know you are all hoping for Ellette's safe return. So in celebration of this unity I shall end with a toast," Pierre gave a small nod in Xavier's direction, "Here's to you, here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be, but if by chance we disagree, fuck you and here's to me." And with that Pierre dropped his glass, turned around, bent over and moonied at the startled crowd.

"He didn't think a wave would have sufficed for a signal." Grumbled Xavier as he dumped the entire packet of laxative into Phian's drink and grunted in disgust as he overheard the giggling elleth commenting on his brother's 'cute' butt.

"Did you do it?" Asked Pierre as he and Xavier regrouped by the door.

"Yep, so how long will it take?"

"I'm not to sure; it could take anything from immediate results to…" Pierre was interrupted as a flailing Phian ran past heading in the direction of her private restroom. "Wow that was quick, right let's get into positions, round up that elfling."

……

Fiminur let out a groan as he threw the his quill down, 'How on Arda did Legolas get through all this paperwork and still manage to hold meetings, command an army, arrange banquets and still have time to see his friends and family!' Fiminur sighed, 'Maybe I need a stress reliever, archery seems to work for Legolas, yes that is what I'll do, a good bit of archery will prepare for the day.' Fiminur stood up from the desk and picked up his bow and set off to the archery practice field.

……

"Are you sure this is going to work?" Asked the small elfling who took up his place in the courtyard.

"It's foolproof." Pierre answered before scurrying off to his position.

"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool." Mumbled the elfling as he picked up his toy truck and watched the entrance to the halls carefully, waiting for his cue."

……

'What is wrong with me!' Thought Phian as she sat uncomfortably on the toilet. 'It must be something I ate.'

Eventually, after a long while of odd noises and even odder smells Phian got off the toilet, she reached automatically for the flush and pulled the carved handle. 'What's that noise?'

She looked down in to the bowl just as blue bolt of electricity hit her causing her jump back and shriek. Confused and dazed she ran to the door not noticing the precariously placed bucket on top of it.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" The ear piercing shrieked Phian let out as cold tar was dumped over her would have been heard by all if it was not for a full covering of feathers that muffled her cries. Hysterical now and unable to see she headed for the door, the door to the courtyard.

Waiting in the courtyard was the elfling who watched as the panic-stricken elleth flew wildly out of the door, 'Wait till she crosses the flower beds then strike.' The elfling remembered Pierre's instructions and swallowed the laughter that threatened to bubble over as Phian trampled over the previously well kept flower bed. 'Lets do this!' The elfling let the toy truck he had been given roll out at high speed across the elleth's path.

"Get this stuff off of me!" Phian cried stepping blinding onto the truck. In a motion that could only be from a celebration of great cartoons, Phian stumbled and landed face first on what look suspiciously like a catapult.

Well technically it did not just look like a catapult, it was in fact a catapult, a specially designed catapult that was made so that when set off an unsuspecting elleth would make the following noise:

"Whhhooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Who knew elves could fly?" Commented the elfling who promptly collected his truck and ran off to finish his smarties.

……

"Nothing like a good bulleyes to relax the mind." Commented Fiminur. He notched another arrow but was distracted as something passed over at great height above him. "That is extremely large pheasant!" Exclaimed the elf. It was a challenge he could not resist, he took aim and fired.

……

"Incoming!" Called Xavier.

"Are you sure she is going to land in this hole?" Asked Pierre warily.

"Don't worry I did the Math, her trajectory and speed will mean she will land exactly here."

"Math?"

"You know, sums." Explained Xavier.

"Sums?"

"Of all those sperm, you were the fastest." Said Xavier in disbelief.

"Oh heads ups she's in for a rough landing."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…urgh." Phian landed in the hole with a thud.

"Right lets cover it up." Pierre began to shovel the dirt back in.

"Um…did you arrange the arrow?"

"What arrow?"

"The one sticking out of her butt."

"Where did that come from?"

"Dunno…oh well lets get shovelling."

……

"Get your hands off of me!" Screamed Ellette furiously. "Who do you think you are!"

"You are in no position to be asking questions young lady." Ellette's assailant snapped as he moved over to the light switch.

Ellette let out a gasp, "You're an elf!"

"I'm glad you can distinguish between races, now shut up!"

"But why would an elf kidnap another elf!"

"As your kidnapper I demand you be quiet, I have things to do!"

"Like what, write a ransom note!" Laughed Ellette but soon gulped when the elf nodded. "Oh. So how much do you want for me?"

"This isn't about money." He answered solemnly.

"Why not! Am I not worth lots of money!" Ellette despite her dire situation could not help but yell, "The bloody cheek of it, you kidnap me, tie me to a chair with a horse rein no less! You tell me I'm up for ransom and then you don't even want money for me!"

"You are beginning to get on my nerves."

"Believe me pal you are more I my nerves than I will ever be! You haven't even told me your name! That is rude in my book."

"If you must know my name is Gelfhorn."

"Hi, I'm Ellette."

"Yes I know who you are, and I must thank you."

"What for thumping you earlier?"

At the reminder Gelfhorn touched his lip gingerly still feeling the sting of Ellette's fist, "No I actually wanted to thank you for running away, you saved me a lot of trouble."

Ellette pouted. "So if you're not doing this for money what are you doing this for?"

"Just you worry about staying alive my dear."

Ellette watched as Gelfhorn retreated into another room and began to scan the room. To her it looked like she was in a make shift talon. 'Okay I'm tied to a chair, in a talon, in a tree, in Middle-earth. I'm sure someone will find me!'

……

"No luck?" Asked Kalin as a rejected looking Legolas returned from a meeting with Galadriel.

"She still will not give the clue."

"She's probably lost it."

"That's very supportive of you Kalin!" Sighed Legolas as he dropped himself down beside his friend and settled against a tree.

"Well I reckon I'm right, Galadriel seems to be losing the plot, not only is she faffing about with this clue, she can't seem to sort Aragorn out and as for her and Gimli…"

"Please stop I've just eaten." Shuddered Legolas.

"I'm sure we'll think of something, hey maybe we could…"

Legolas tuned Kalin out as he stared up at the branches above him, he could not help feeling like something was missing from them and then that is when he remembered:

_"Breathe, just take big, deep breaths!" Whispered Emily to herself as her eyes widened at the sight before her. Eventually it all became a bit too much for Em as the elf prince went to remove his pants. Her footing on the branch slipped as her brain paralyzed. _

_Legolas looked up only to see Emily hurtling towards him, the next thing he knew he was sent flying into the lake along with the screeching girl. _

_After a few moments of splashing around in the clear depths of the lake the two surfaced in a position that looked like page fourteen of the Karma-Sutra._

"Legolas! Legolas! Are you listening to a word I'm saying!" Yelled Kalin.

"Wh..what?"

"I thought so, well when you've stopped dreaming about Valar knows what I would like to tell you of my plan."

……

"Hello Galadriel, I wonder if I could have another moment of you time?" Legolas asked.

"If you must, but I'm afraid my answer is the same, I will not give you the clue."

"If that is your final decision then I must be off immediately."

"In such a hurry?"

"Well, with many elves in Mirkwood starving for gossip the news of you and Gimli is far big to keep to myself! Namarie my lady."

"Legolas! You cannot possibly tell anyone about that!"

"I think you'll find that I cannot possibly leave Lorien empty handed. Now if I had the clue that would be another matter."

"This is blackmail!" Cried an outraged Galadriel.

"Yes I believe it is."

Galadriel was fuming but could see that her only way out was to agree to Legolas' wishes. "Fine, you may have your clue! I have important things to do; the clue is behind the tapestry!" And with that the elf witch stormed out.

"That went well." Kalin appeared from behind the door.

"Well I'm still alive and have the clue." Replied Legolas cheerfully.

"And you are not a frog."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Haldir and I had bets on that she would turn you into a frog, I owe him money now!" Grumbled the darkling elf.

"Well thank you Kalin for your moral support!"

"My pleasure, so what does the clue say?"

"I believe that George lost his ability to rhyme."

"Why do you say that?"

Legolas read the clue, "I'm in bloody Moria all right! I've probably gone mad by now so a sedative may be in order, oh and some peanuts. See you soon. George. P.S Please ring the bell."

"I see what you mean." Sniggered Kalin.

"Why Moria of all places!"

"The almighty King of Mirkwood isn't scared of the dark is he!"

"Don't make me beat you."

……

A/N: George: Oh yeah my return is imminent!

Emily: Please keep the reviews coming and wish me luck on next week, I'm investigating what happens to the human body when it goes without sleep for five days! I am possibly mental! Here are the thank yous:

Billie Joe's Mistress – Speaking of horses…hmmm. Yes Gimli is wrong and should be punished! Ooooh I reviewed your story!

Angel's Heart Demon's Mind – Yes Kai and George are returning! About bliming time in my book!

Princess Shadowcat - The short mention of Ellette was intentional, but she was back in this chapter. Phian went bye byes for you! And as for Aragorn speaking the truth…hmmm?

Limpet666 – yay you are back, I was missing you! Shave a dwarf day should become a national holiday! Yes Kai is on his way back, I can't wait to write a Kai scene again! As for Kai, am I going to find a new chapter when I click on you story?

Poolbum – Odd as in good odd, or odd as in bad odd? Meh!


	11. The Return of the George

A/N: George: I'm so sick of revising; I never want to see another book in my life! And what makes it worse is that Emily is obscenely hyper!

Emily: Only thirteen days until Kingdom of Heaven! Wootka!

G: Please help me!

Disclaimer: Umm…we own copious amounts of apple juice, a ludicrous amount of odd socks and a human hand, we don't own Legolas or Kalin now since he has filed for divorce from us, the cheek!

Chapter Eleven – The Return of George

"Umm…excuse me…Mr Elfnapper…hello?" Called out Ellette.

"What could you possibly want now!"

"No need to get so wound up!"

"I would not be getting so wound up if you would shut up for longer than five minutes!" Yelled an irate Gelfhorn.

"Well I wouldn't usually ask but since I'm tied up!"

"Fine, fine, what do you want this time?"

"This time? You make me sound demanding!"

"Demanding does not even cover it! You made me feed you strawberries!"

"I was hungry!"

"Then why did I have to measure them to make sure I only fed you ones smaller then four centimetres!"

"Alright…calm down!"

"Calm down! I've fed you, made you a mandarin, apricot smoothie, applied hand cream, rearranged the furniture, lit some scented candles and given you a new hairstyle! What do you want now a pink elephant named Nelly!" Gelfhorn practically growled.

"No need to get facetious! If you must know I need to use the bathroom!"

"Oh…um…well I shall have to escort you."

"You'll do no such thing! I'm having you watch me!"

"Believe me you are really not my type, and besides you really do not have that much say in the matter."

"Not your type? What's wrong with me?" Asked Ellette switching from rage to hurt in a few seconds.

"Nothing is wrong with you."

"Then why am I not your type?" She sniffed holding back the tears.

"Oh now don't cry, please don't cry, I didn't mean it." Gelfhorn hugged Ellette tightly. "It's just well…you are a bit too…um…"

"I don't understand…you don't want money for me…you don't like me…what do you want me for!"

"Your father!" Gelfhorn blurted out hysterically.

"What!"

"The reason I don't like you is because you are too female! I'm in love with Legolas, and the only way I can get him to notice me is by doing this!" Gelfhorn was now the one in tears.

"Isn't this a bit extreme!" Yelped Ellette still in shock.

"Don't you think I haven't considered that! I've tried to get him to notice me for the last six hundred years; nothing I have done has made any difference! And then one day he returns from the quest with your mother and I thought it was all over, but then she died and still Legolas paid no attention to me!"

"And you didn't think that maybe the fact that he was grieving or that he isn't gay had anything to do with that?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand, what would you know about being in love with someone who treated you like nothing but a child!"

Suddenly Ellette felt sorry for Gelfhorn, she did know what it was like as her thoughts strayed to Kai. "I'm sorry Gelfy, I'd hug you if I wasn't a bit tied up at the moment."

"No, I'm sorry, I should have never put you through this."

"Does that mean you will let me go?" Asked Ellette hopefully.

"I'm afraid not, the ransom note has been sent, you in exchange for Legolas."

Ellette scowled slightly, "Hmph! Can I go to the toilet now?"

Gelfhorn nodded and loosened her bonds, "Don't try anything."

"Would I! Oh Gelfhorn, what happens if my Ada doesn't cooperate with your ransom?" Asked Ellette curiously as Gelfhorn led her to the bathroom.

"I kill you."

"You are mental, you do realise that don't you?"

……

Legolas and Kalin looked up at the door to Moria.

"It's broken." Sated Kalin.

"What is?"

"The doorbell, George said to ring the doorbell."

"Well knock or something!"

"Ouch! That hurt."

"That is what happens when you hit stone!" Laughed Legolas.

"Ha ha very funny, so now what do we do?"

"Let ourselves in. _Mellon_." The doors remained closed.

"He must have changed the password when he fixed the door."

"That is just perfect; I don't have time to be standing out here guessing random words!" Snapped Legolas.

"Chill out, I'm sure if we just think this out logically, we will be able to get into George's frame of mind and figure it out."

"George's mind is somewhere I would rather not be."

"With all due respect my lord behaving like an arrogant arse is not going to get us anywhere."

"I'm sorry Kalin, I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't seem to stop thinking about…"

"About what?"

"Never mind. I'm guessing that George probably left a clue not unlike the previous one."

Kalin scanned the door and noticed a small carving, "What only gets laid once, takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft, shares its home with eleven other guys, and the only chick that ever sat on its face was its mum?"

"So not at all like the previous clue then." Commented Legolas dryly.

"But a lot funnier."

"Well any ideas?"

"A very sad sad being." Guessed Kalin.

"That or an egg." As soon as the final word came out the doors shuddered open.

"Wow you're deceptively smart!"

"What's that supposed to mean!"

"Noth…whoa…looks like someone has been busy."

The interior of Moria had undergone a complete revamp; the stonework had been recarved and reshaped to resemble a multitude of creatures and patterns.

"George!" Called Legolas warily.

"Now that is gross." Remarked Kalin.

"It looks like…Cumquat!"

"Or what's left of him." Squirmed Kalin as he looked a the skeleton of the chimpanzee.

"Why would George just leave the skeleton there?"

"Company?"

"Let's find him and get out of here. He must be around here some…do you hear that?"

"Yeah sorry I haven't eaten today." Kalin patted his grumbling stomach.

"No not that, I can hear can hear voices." Legolas followed the path through the dank dark of Moria.

"No wait I do hear that, that's George's voice, but who is that he is talking to?"

Kalin and Legolas soon got an answer when they rounded the corner and saw George chipping away at a block of stone shadowed by a Balrog.

……

"You wanted a word with us?" Pierre and Xavier asked Glorfindel nervously.

"I have some news about your sister, I'm afraid it isn't good."

Although they were not the most affectionate of siblings, Pierre grabbed Xavier's hand and squeezed it tightly.

"She is safe for now, she has been taken by someone, we do not know who, but he has demanded something in return, something only your father can give, and with your father not being here we have a problem." Glorfindel explained solemnly.

"Then we have to find Ada!"

"Your father could be anywhere Xavier, but I have redirected half of Ellette's search party to find your father. All we can do is wait and pray."

"No! There must be something we can do!" Protested Pierre.

"What I suggest you two do now is collaborate your stories." Proposed the elf lord.

"Stories? I don't understand what you mean." Pierre looked confused.

"It seems Fiminur wants a word with you, it seems his daughter Phian was found in a rather make shift hole looking a bit worse for wears, you two wouldn't know anything about that."

"Nope." Lied Xavier putting his most innocent face on.

"I thought so. Right well I have things to do before I personally join the search party again, it seems the elves are really leaving these shores, Mirkwood is emptying."

……

"George! Look out!" Legolas and Kalin both notched their bows and began to fire at the unsuspecting Balrog.

"What are you doing!" Yelped George who ran at the elves and took them both down with a rugby tackle.

"Run! There's a Balrog!" Yelled Kalin.

"Yes I had noticed." Commented George. "Legolas, Kalin, this is Bernie the Balrog, I think you owe him an apology!"

Kalin and Legolas who were still sprawled on the floor looked up at George in bewilderment.

"Very well if you are going to be rude. Now where was I? Ah yes a fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant."

"George, you are talking to a Balrog." Pointed out Legolas.

"A big scary fiery did I mention big scary Balrog!" Reiterated Kalin.

"Bernie isn't scary, just misunderstood. So what brings you two here then?"

"George um could be go somewhere less um occupied by a Balrog?" Asked Legolas warily.

"Oh Bernie doesn't like to be left alone."

"Um…well Kalin will make sure he is all right."

"What!" Yelped Kalin.

"Word of warning, if he gets a bit gassy try not to light anything." Advised George as he followed Legolas out of the dark.

"I want you to come back to Mirkwood George."

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, why?"

"Because I need your help, I'm afraid that the children will forget their mother, you are her closest relative, they need you, please George."

"George?"

"What's wrong with you, you're George!" Snapped Legolas.

"I am what am left of George like a symbolism of a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness."

"You've lost it."

"It! No it, I didn't mean to loose you." George began to run around in circles.

"Um George…" Legolas tried to restrain the flailing George and as he did he got a whiff of his breath. "Hang on you aren't crazy, you're an alcoholic!"

"I object! I'm not an alcoholic! I'm a drunk, alcoholics go to meetings."

"Right that is it; I'm taking you home where you can sober up."

"Man I feel all warm and fuzzy inside like I just ate a live squirrel, I love you Legolas everybody loves you although no one more than Emily loves you." Slurred George.

'Loved me.' Thought Legolas reverting to past tense.

……

George: Dude I am back!

Emily: All we need is Kai to come back.

G: We could always write you back in!

E: Now why would we do a thing like that! Anyhow, only one review for the last chapter! Tell us you want us! Here is the ONE thank you:

Princess Shadowcat – You are officially loved by us as our only reviewer! Hmmmm fudge, now I'm hungry! George choose Moria because it resembles the place he is living in at the moment, he he!


	12. Sobering Up

A/N: Emily: Spent the day at London Zoo studying conservation, so becoming a zoo keeper now! Oooh want to feed the penguins!

George: Can you be fed to the lions?

Emily: Shut up!

Disclaimer: I know nothing!

Chapter Twelve – Sobering up

"Couldn't we have taken the bus?" Slurred George as Kalin tried to stop him falling off the horse for the ninth time.

"Remind me again why he has to be on my horse and not yours." Grumbled Kalin.

Legolas grinned as George tried to plant a kiss on Kalin nose. "Perks of being King I suppose."

"Toilet stop!" George yelled.

"Again? You went about ten minute ago!"

"Toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet!"

"This is useless; we are never going to get back to Mirkwood at this rate."

"Maybe we should get him detoxed?" Suggested Kalin.

"We could make a stop at Lorien."

"I was hoping you wouldn't say that, I still owe Haldir for that bet."

"The sooner George sobers up, the sooner we can go home where you can see how your wife is." Reasoned Legolas.

"Oh alright but I'm expecting reimbursements for this trip!"

"George! We're going to Lorien, get out of that bush!"

……

"Valar I'm bored!" Sighed Ellette.

"Look it won't be long now, your Ada has till dusk to give himself up, if he doesn't you will never be bored again." 'Reassured' Gelfhorn.

"Well aren't you the cheerful one today."

"I have no reason to be cheerful; do you think I enjoy killing elflings?"

"I'm not an elfling!" Roared Ellette suddenly.

"Where did that come from!"

"Sorry, I don't know what came over me. Wow that was kinda freaky wasn't it?"

"Please don't do it again, I'm feeling rather vulnerable today."

"Sorry." Ellette apologised again. "So…um have you decided how you are going to kill me if my Ada doesn't turn up which, for the record, he will and when he does he'll kill you?"

Gelfhorn gulped slightly, "I haven't really thought about it, any preferences?"

"Well I would like it quick, oh and I would like my dead body to be recognisable so no going psycho on the face! So I suppose the old fashion knife to the throat will do, but do be careful not to get blood on the dress."

"Is it silk because blood can be awfully stubborn to get out of silk?"

"Yes it is."

"Then I shall be extra careful."

"Brilliant."

"Do I get to choose what music I die to?"

"I am hardly going to invite an Elvish band to play am I!" Snapped Gelfhorn.

"Calm down…look in my bag, you will find a strange round thing in it."

"What this!" Gelfhorn held up a strange object.

"No that's a Frisbee! It has buttons on it."

"This?" Gelfhorn held up a walkman.

"That's it, it was my mum's. Now what shall I have playing…um…something ironic I feel."

"Aren't you a little creeped out?"

"Nope, why waste the final hours of my life screaming, crying and losing any shred of dignity I have left."

"But…"

"No! I am a princess and I will go out in style!"

……

"Back so soon? And there was me thinking you had left without paying!" Greeted Haldir.

"Um…you couldn't put it on my tab could you?" Asked Kalin hopefully.

Haldir just laughed at him.

"You seem a lot happier since the last time we saw you." Observed Legolas.

"Yes well, Boromir and I…"

"Boz!" Interrupted George excitedly.

"He is in out talen, he would be delighted to see you." Informed Haldir quickly before the drunken George had time to run off in any direction he wanted to.

"Schoooom!" And George was off

"Anyway, Boromir and I had a bit of a breakthrough with Faramir, seems like he doesn't mind being an Uncle after all."

"What changed his mind?"

"He is in love again."

"Oh."

"So we are looking up on adopting a child, its all rather exciting. Speaking of babies, I believe congratulations are in order Kalin."

"How did you know!"

"It seems Amaria got sick of waiting for you, she arrived in Lorien just after you left here."

"Bollocks!"

"Kalin!" Reprimanded Haldir.

"She's going to kill me."

"Why?"

"Well, when I said that she didn't mind me going, what I really meant to say was, she didn't mind because she didn't actually know."

"Kalin!" Yelled Legolas.

"Kalin!" A female voice screeched.

"Please don't let her castrate me!" Pleaded Kalin.

"You're on your own mate."

"Well farewell dear friends, it was nice knowing you." Kalin slunk off to face his 'doom'.

……

"George?" Boromir looked up from his desk and looked at the door. A familiar whistling could be heard from the other side of it.

"Are you going to let me in?" A voice called out.

"George!" Boromir leapt up, ran to the door, flung it open and grabbed George pulling him into a tight hug. "Where the hell have to been?"

"In the cave with the whoosh and the schoom and the dark with the lack of light and the monkey, my monkey!"

"Are you drunk?"

"Drunk is an illusion."

"Hmmm…" Boromir fetched a glass of an odd brown liquid. "Here drink this."

"Is it alcoholic?"

"Yes." Lied Boromir

"Oooh goody." After one sip George began to shake violently. "Ah! Death befalls me!"

"You are not dying, you are detoxing."

"Blood being stripped of toxins! No! My toxins! You can't have them..."

"You'll be sober in a matter of minutes." Explained Boromir trying not to laugh as he watched George try and fail to open the drinks cabinet.

"Sober! I haven't been sober in eighteen years! Ah! George let out a squeak.

"What now?"

"My liver feels clean!"

"That's a good thing."

"No not good thing, bad thing, make me dirty!"

"Perhaps you should sit down."

"Why are you going to steal my legs now?"

"Now you are being ridiculous…" Boromir pointed out.

"Ahhhhhh!"

"Calm down!"

"My brain, it can think! No thinking, thinking hurts me…I need a drink." Stupidly George took another sip of the brown liquid. "Noooooooooooooooo!"

……

"Did you hear that?" Legolas asked Haldir.

"Sounds like George has sobered up."

"This could be very bad; as much as I have missed him I am just starting to remember how annoying he could be!" Legolas sighed as he watched the sun set over Middle-earth.

……

"Legolas' time is up!" Cried Gelfhorn.

"No! Maybe he is stuck in traffic; he wouldn't just leave me here!"

"I'm afraid it is time for your big exit." Gelfhorn hauled Ellette out of the chair snapping her bonds.

"Ouch! You could be a little gentler!"

"All I wanted was to be loved." Gelfhorn was in hysterics now.

"Yeesh, it's always about you! Argh! You really are a pricktilious prick." Gelfhorn was not listening as Ellette continued to rant on. "You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, and a mean, dirty, stinking, snivelling, sneaky, no-good son-of-a-bitch!"

"If I was you I would shut up." Gelfhorn held Ellette close to the edge of the balcony with a knife pressed to her throat. "Look down and face your end."

"Well really! You didn't even set up my music!"

Gelfhorn slowly began to draw blood from Ellette's neck, "I think I am doing Middle-earth a service, if you had remained alive I would have had to feel sorry for the stupid elf that ever fell in love with you!"

"That would be me!" A cloaked figure jumped out of the shadows.

……

A/N: Emily: Oooh…that was exciting.

George: Sober my arse! Never!

Emily: Here are the thank yous:

Lil Smartass – You have really mastered annoyance haven't you!

Princess Shadowcat – Yes yes I am proud of my triplets! George is out of Moria now…but is still as annoying as ever.

Angel's Heart Demon's Mind – Don't give him anymore alcohol! He is on a strict detox!

Poolbum – I am off sugar! These weird sugary snake sweet things tried to kill me!

Limpet666 – Keep the Sean Connery thing up its funny! Um…Kai will shave! Hmmm…I'll go with that!


	13. The Wonderful Works of Kai

A/N: Emily: Yes this is late, but I actually have a really good excuse, well, I think it is good.

George: Seeing Kingdom of Heaven three times in three days does not count as a good excuse!

Emily: I think you will find most of our readers will disagree with you there! I would also like to apologise for the mushiness in this chapter, watching Orlando be all integral as a knight has turned me into a sap!

Disclaimer: I own nothing apart from an odd craving to see Kingdom of Heaven again.

Chapter Thirteen – The wonderful works of Kai.

Gelfhorn slowly began to draw blood from Ellette's neck, "I think I am doing Middle-earth a service, if you had remained alive I would have had to feel sorry for the stupid elf that ever fell in love with you!"

"That would be me!" A cloaked figure jumped out of the shadows.

Gelfhorn pulled the knife away from Ellette and haphazardly blocked the incoming blow. Ellette fell to the floor in a heap tripping her rescuer up in the process.

"Kai!" She shrieked as the darkling elf joined her on the floor. "What are you doing here!"

"Um…trying not to get either of us killed!" Yelped Kai as he rolled out of the way of Gelfhorn's lunge. "Look mate I'm not really into kin-slaying, so why don't we talk this over like adults!" Kai narrowly dodged the knife thrown at him. "Well at least you're unarmed now." Kai ran at the hysterical elf and took him down, "I am placing you under arrest for the kidnap of a member of the royal family and the attempted murder of said royal."

"I will not give Legolas the satisfaction of seeing me in jail!" Gelfhorn screamed. He lashed out and hit Kai in the nose.

"Watch the face!"

"Kai get him!" Yelled Ellette.

"Working on it!" Kai threw himself at the escaping elf and grabbed him by the ankle earning him a kick in the face from the foot he had yet to restrain. "What did I say about the face!" Gelfhorn answered by spiting at Kai. "Ewww it went in my hair!" Kai flapped about letting go of Gelfhorn and jumping up inadvertently knocking Gelfhorn in the face and sending him flying off the balcony.

"Is he dead?" Asked Ellette looking down at the still body of Gelfhorn.

Kai answered with a, "Whoops, I was aiming on bringing him back alive." He reached down and pulled Ellette up. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, thanks to you."

"I had better get you home; your brothers will be beside themselves."

"Whereas my dad couldn't care less." Sighed Ellette.

"And what on Middle-earth would make you think that!"

"Well he didn't show up did he!"

"That's because he didn't know, he still hasn't returned to Mirkwood. If he had known he would have been here running Gelfhorn through with his sword seconds after you were captured!"

"But instead you came…Kai…what you said when you jumped out…did…did…"

All Kai wanted to do at that moment was scoop her up and kiss her but Kai being Kai… "Oh yeah that, it was just me being stupid, you know, acting like the big hero! Come on we had best be off."

Ellette watched Kai walk off, "Of course." She sighed.

……

"I hate you." George called over to Legolas as he got on his horse.

"I take it by that you are now completely sober." Stated Legolas trying to smother his smirk.

"If you mean can I feel, smell, hear, taste and see everything in heightened proportions forcing me to face the mother of all hangovers which is currently squeezing all lucid thought and comfort from my now diminutive brain, then yes I am incredibly sober!"

"Good, then we can be off."

"Is Kalin not joining us?"

"Um…after Amaria got that blow in I don't think he'll be riding a horse for a while yet." Grimaced Legolas remembering the noise Kalin made when he felt Amaria's wrath.

"Yeouch. So it's just me and you then."

"Yes."

"So…"

"So what?"

"Oh nothing…"

"No, what did you want to say?"

"Are you married?"

"What!"

"Well it's been a long time; I don't know what you've been up to!"

"No I am not married." Snapped Legolas.

"Alright…gay." George whispered the last part.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing, so are you dating anyone?"

"No."

"Got any new hobbies?"

"I don't have time for hobbies."

"Yeah kids will do that to you." Sighed George.

"It is not just the kids, I am now King of Mirkwood and with that comes duties."

"King! Yeesh rather you than me, so glad I got out of that business, so overrated."

"Well I am glad you have had fun these last eighteen years!"

"No need to get shirty, I'm here now and ready for whatever life throws at me, at long as it doesn't throw it too loud." George rubbed his head absently. "So the triplets, what are they like?"

"Pierre and Xavier, they know how to cause trouble, you have no idea the grief they have caused the poor hobbits."

"Excellent!"

"I knew you would say that…I hope you are not going to be a bad influence on them."

"Moi! Never!"

"Hmmm…anyway Ellette, she…she…she's like her mother."

"Good, I need to be reminded; I've spent far too long trying to forget."

Legolas nodded.

……

"Will you stay?" Asked Ellette.

"Huh?"

"When we get to Mirkwood, will you stay or leave again?"

"Ellette you know I cannot stay." Answered Kai.

"No I don't! You make up some rubbish about finding yourself then turn up just when I need you! I don't understand!" Ellette had held it in too long she turned herself around upon the horse causing Kai to grab hold of her waist to prevent her from falling. "Why won't you tell me why you left!"

"Because I am scared of what you might say!" Kai yelled back.

"Well you need not be because whatever you may say or do I will always lo…" Ellette cut herself off.

"You will always what?"

"Love you." Ellette whispered.

"I…I…"

Ellette cut his stammers off, "I know you think I'm just a stupid kid and I don't expect anything from you I just wanted you to know."

"Ellette I can't…"

"Just take me home Kai, then you can leave and I will never have to be an inconvenience to you ever again."

"You will never be an inconvenience to me." Was all Kai said before spurring his horse on.

……

"She'll be all right Pierre, I know it." Said Xavier as they sat at the edge of the forest staring at horizon in front of them.

"How do you know?"

"I can feel it."

"I feel numb."

"You must be able to feel it; it's like a shallow rumbling."

"You are likening our sister to a rumbling?"

"Hey I didn't say it was a logical feeling! Now concentrate, can you feel it now?"

Pierre closed his eyes and creased his forehead in concentration, 'Nope nothing.' He thought. He tried again and slowly but surely he felt it, "Hey! I do feel it!"

"See I told you!"

"Is it me or is it getting stronger?"

"Yeah it is, Xavier looked down at the puddle next to him and watched as the water began to ripple. He looked up just in time to see horse and two riders appear on the horizon. "Pierre look!"

"Who is it?"

"I think it's Ellette!" Squeaked Xavier in excitement, "But I can't see who it is with her."

"It might be the evil dude who took her! Draw your sword!" Pierre jumped up and started to run towards the horizon swiftly followed by Xavier.

…

"See I told you your brothers would be worried." Pointed out Kai and the boys shortened the distance between them.

"Why have you stopped?"

"This is as far as I will go."

"But…everyone will be happy to see you; you're the hero of Mirkwood!"

"I don't want to be Mirkwood's hero. I had better go before your brothers get here."

Ellette climb reluctantly off the horse. "Will you ever come back?"

"I'm no good for you Ellette, you deserve better than a playboy elf who still finds the occasional fart joke funny. Goodbye." And with that Kai left.

"Ellette!" Cried Xavier who had managed to take over Pierre by tripping him up. "You're alive!" Xavier dived on Ellette enveloping her in a hug on the floor.

"Not for much longer if you don't quit strangling me!"

"Ooops sorry."

"Ellette!" Just as she had recovered from Xavier's assault Pierre landed one of his own. "Thank the Valar you are safe."

"Get off me now." Commanded Ellette as softly has she could.

"Who was that on the horse?" Asked Xavier, "Should we chase him!"

"No don't do that," Ellette watched the retreating form of Kai. "He is nobody."

"So what happened? Who kidnapped you? Are they after you? Did you run away? How did you…"

"Stop! Please can we just go home before the questions okay?" Gasped Ellette.

"Sure, whatever you want sis." And so the two brothers escorted their sister home.

……

"It is good to have you back my lord." Fiminur greeted Legolas.

"I would have thought you would have wanted me gone for as long as possible." Commented Legolas suspiciously.

"If I have to look after those Valar forsaken children for another second I will be forced to sail to the undying lands! In fact that is precisely where Phian and I are heading!" And with that the snooty lord disappeared.

"Wow, your kids are that bad huh?" Laughed George, "Yo Glory!" He yelled as Glorfindel dismounted from his horse.

"And where have you been?" Asked Legolas.

"Checking up on your children, something happened while you were away…" It took Glorfindel all of three minutes to relate the disappearance of Ellette and her miraculous reappearance.

"What! Why the hell wasn't Fiminur keeping an eye on her! Where is she?"

"She is with her brothers in the courtyard, perhaps I should show George to his room while you go and see her."

"Dude, we really have to talk about Balrogs…" Began George as he followed Glorfindel.

……

"Ada!" Cried the triplets when they saw their father approaching.

"Bundle!" Yelled Xavier as the triplets rugby tackled Legolas to the floor. "We missed you."

"Are you all okay?"

"Yes Ada."

"Xavier, Pierre will you leave me alone with your sister for a minute, I believe there is someone in the main guest bedroom who you might want to meet."

"Did you find him!" Asked Pierre hopefully.

"I did."

"Immense!" The two boys ran off.

"Are you hurt? Did he hurt you? I'm going to kill him…Who was it?"

"Slow down Ada I'm fine! And besides you can't kill him he is already dead." Informed Ellette.

"Did you…"

"No, not me someone rescued me."

"Who?"

"Just some nobody elf."

"Nobody! An elf who saves my daughter is not a nobody where is he so I can thank him?"

"He left."

Legolas looked confusedly at his daughter, "Don you know who it was that took you?"

"Gelfhorn, I believe you knew him."

"Gelfhorn, why on middle-earth would Gelfhorn do something like this!"

"It's called love." Mumbled Ellette. Before Legolas could question her she said, "I'm going for a walk, I won't go far." She added at her father's worried look.

"Do you not want to meet your uncle?"

"Maybe later."

……

"So anyway I was like whoa, and you were like meh, and then I was like nooooo, then he was like-shit!" Recounted George.

"And?" Asked Pierre and Xavier eagerly.

"And that is how I became King of the Galaxy."

"Whoa, you are King of the Galaxy!"

"I am indeed, and not only that, I am a Jedi, a Timelord and a master of poetry."

"Can you teach us to be Jedis?" Asked Pierre hopefully.

"Yes, the force is strong in you two. Training must start immediately! I want you to go and find some practice light sabres."

"What's a practice light sabre?"

"A stick." Explained George, "However, I shall supply the sound effects."

"Cool." Said the brothers in unison before skittering off to their respective rooms in search of sticks.

……

'You are so stupid.' Kai berated himself. 'You made her think you didn't want her! You were right when you said that you didn't deserve her.'

"And I was right when I told you that you would make a wonderful husband for someone one day." A voice came out of no where.

Kai looked around, "Who's there!" There was no one. That voice and those words, they sounded so familiar, 'Emily?' Kai remembered when Emily had said those exact words to him. 'Maybe I do deserve Ellette, maybe I can make her happy.' With new found confidence Kai decided that he would follow his heart for the first time in his life.

……

After searching his wardrobe for the fifth time Pierre decided that he really did not own a random stick, 'Hmm maybe I should look in Ellette's room.'

……

Kai halted his stallion below Ellette's window and vaulted himself up into the tree scaling frantically upwards to the window. Climbing in Kai saw the blond figure rooting through the wardrobe, without knowing what to say Kai marched forward grabbed the blond and crushed his lips upon theirs.

……

A/N: Emily: He he!

George: A quick note, the line - I was like whoa, and you were like meh, and then I was like nooooo, then he was like-shit! Was stolen from 'Pirates of the Provocative Tattoo' by Billie Joe's Mistress, so thank you to her, and to everyone else go read her fic if you like random, which frankly you must if you are still reading this!

Emily: Hmmm maybe I should start bribing people for reviews, tell me you love me! Here is the one and only thank you to Billie Joe's Mistress:

You were right it was Kai, and I'm glad to see he has another admirer. As for Gelfhorn's name, well when you combine gay-elf-porn you knida get Gelfhorn – Oh I love being random. Yes George may have to return to the booze, I don't think he can cope much longer!

Can I just add, I'm starting a campaign to get George to shave his stupid beard off that he is attempting to grow! Please in your reviews can you support my cause!


	14. Explosivo

A/N: Emily: Wootka! Kingdom of Heaven five times in a week! Go me. "How can you be in hell when you are in my heart?" That line makes me cry every time!

George: I am beginning to believe that you are actually weirder than I was first led to believe.

Emily: Probably not a good idea to tell you that I'm seeing it again on Wednesday and Friday then!

Disclaimer: All right Tolkien! Just a few more chapters and you can have Legolas back!

Chapter Fourteen – Explosivo!

"What the…" Legolas burst into the room. "Why the hell are you kissing my son Kai!" He yelled.

Kai pulled away. "No I'm…Oh crap…hello Pierre…um…how are you?"

"Fine…just fine Kai."

"So…"

"You're dead!" Yelled Legolas.

Kai seeing Legolas lunge at him quickly jumped out the way knocking over a random candle and made for the window swiftly followed by Legolas.

"What's going on!" Xavier ran into the room.

"Um…I think I might be gay." Answered Pierre touching his lips slightly.

"Oh right."

……

"Kai! Get back here now!" Legolas followed the darkling elf into the courtyard.

"Only if you promise not to kill me." Kai called back.

"If I promised I would be lying!"

"I'll just keep running then!"

"Yeah you do that!"

Kai ran into the stables and went smack bang into a confused looking George.

"Hey Kai, fancy seeing you here." Greeted George inanely.

"Can't stop." Kai headed towards the other doors and pulled on them frantically.

"Why are these locked?" Yelped Kai.

"Ah yes about that…"

"Kai!" Legolas stormed into the stables.

……

"So how did you work that one out?" Asked Xavier.

"Kai just kissed me."

"Kai isn't here. Are you feeling all right maybe you should lie down."

"He kissed me." Babbled Pierre dreamily.

"Maybe you were hallucinating?"

"Of all the things to hallucinate why would I choose Kai kissing me!"

"Suppressed desires?"

"See I'm gay!"

"Maybe you had a seizure?"

"What!"

"Or a coma, yeah you went into a coma and thought Kai kissed you and then you woke up…"

"Um Xavier…"

"…and I appeared, and then…"

"Xavier!"

"What?"

"The talen is on fire!"

……

"Hi Legolas, now really isn't a good time for me to be disembowelled but I could probably fit you in some time next week."

"I told you to stay away from Mirkwood Kai!"

"Yeah and I did…but then I kinda came back."

Legolas slowly made his way towards Kai.

"Stupid thingy not working." Mumbled George in the background.

"Why couldn't you just stay away!"

"Um Legolas now would be a good time to DUCK!" Yelped Kai as he dropped to the floor.

Legolas ducked instinctively and narrowly dodged a flying light sabre that cut its way through the stable door.

"Hey it works!" Cheered George stepping over Kai and running after the light sabre. Kai taking the chance to run swiftly followed after him.

"Are you following me?" Asked George warily.

"No I'm running for my life!"

"I know hide here!" George 'helpfully' pushed Kai into a nearby lake. "Swim for your life!"

Not really having much choice in the matter Kai began to swim across to the other side of the lake.

"What is he doing!" Legolas asked when he caught George up.

"Dunno, he decided to go for a swim, I always knew he was a strange one. Now where did that light sabre go?"

Legolas, deciding that getting wet and looking like a drowned rat really was not the look he was going for this summer, decided to make his way around the lake.

Kai finally reaching the other side dragged himself out and made a dash for the forest. He kept running hoping that Legolas had given up on chasing him. He reached a clearing and sat clumsily on a log.

"Kai?"

Kai looked up to see a confused Ellette staring at him.

"Oh…hey…I don't suppose you would have a towel on you?"

"Um…no…are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah fine, you?"

"Oh great…I mean it's not like the love of my life rescues me, buggers off then turns up all wet in a see through shirt looking all damn sexy!"

"Stupid light sabre!" Yelled George running past.

"Ellette…"

"Answer me this…what did you mean when you said, you were no good for me?"

"You deserve better, I'm a nobody…"

"You are the commander of the Mirkwood army, you are not nobody!"

"But I'm worthless! Just like Legolas said…I'm worthless…I've always tried to be somebody…I guess I should have been more specific." Kai added with a small smile.

"Worthless! Ada called you worthless! That's why you left isn't it!" Before Kai had the chance to answer Ellette continued to rant. "I don't believe him, why would he say something so hurtful!"

Kai got up and walked towards Ellette. "He had his reasons."

"And your reasons?"

"For what?"

"For not telling me how you feel!"

"Ellette I can't…"

"Maybe Ada was right maybe you are worthless." Ellette turned and began to walk away.

Knowing that this was his final chance Kai did what he was renowned for being very good at; he grabbed Ellette and kissed her.

"Kai! Stop kissing my children!" Yelled Legolas.

"Huh?" Spluttered Ellette still in shock and trying not to swoon for the fact that Kai had just kissed her!

"First Pierre and now Ellette! Maybe I should lock Xavier up for his own safety!"

"You kissed Pierre!" Screeched Ellette.

"Now that was an accident!"

"How do accidentally kiss Pierre!"

"I thought he was you."

"You what!"

"It's not as bad as it sounds!"

"Nevermind that, I want to know what the hell you are doing in Mirkwood when I specifically told you to stay away!" Roared Legolas.

"Wow he's in a bad mood." Commented George as he ran past again.

"Look I don't want any trouble I just...I'll just leave now and…" Ellette sent Kai a glare. "Actually I want to stay in Mirkwood because…well…because…I am in love with your daughter."

"Shit!" Yelped George.

"You are in love with me!" Gasped Ellette not expecting Kai actually to say it.

Kai nodded.

"I have lost count of the number of times you have claimed to be in love Kai." Warned Legolas. "You are to stay away from my daughter!"

"Look I know what you are thinking but…"

"No Kai you have no idea what I am thinking, would you like to find out!" Threatened Legolas.

"Ada!"

"Look I may not go down in history but I will go down on your daughter!" Yelled Kai. Legolas looked at Kai in horror, George burst out laughing and Ellette turned a strange pink colour. "Did I just say that out loud?"

George nodded.

"Ah right well um…what I meant to say is that I may not be some great warrior, or poet or a perfect knight in shining armour but I love your daughter!"

"But you are a knight in shining armour! You saved my life." Cried Ellette." Ada, it was Kai that came and rescued me from Gelfhorn, if it was not for him I would be dead!"

"You saved her?" Asked Legolas turning to Kai.

"I more of happened to stumble into the right place and trip Gelfhorn up but yeah I suppose I did save her."

Before Kai could leap back Legolas grabbed Kai and pulled him into a fierce hug.

"Um Legolas…I really am not trying to work my way through your family." Mumbled Kai.

"Yes this is a little intimate isn't it?" Commented Legolas before letting go of Kai.

"So…you are not going to kill me?"

"No."

"And you will let me court Ellette?"

"Kai…your track record…I'm supposed to look after my children not hand them over to Mirkwood's most prolific lover."

"Emily wouldn't mind." George stepped back into the clearing.

"Excuse me?" Legolas turned to him with a shadow of sadness in his eyes.

"Emily would let Ellette and Kai be together, I know she would, I can feel it." George turned the light sabre off and sat down on the log. "She always thought Kai would have made a brilliant husband, she once said he was the second only to one. That one being you by the way Legolas. If anyone was to be perfect for Kai it would be Ellette, she really is Emily's daughter."

"Don't you just hate it when George manages to be intellectual?" Asked Kai randomly.

"Ada?" Ellette looked at Legolas who was staring off into the distance.

"I can see Xavier and Pierre, they are running towards us."

"Ada!" Cried the brothers.

"What is it?"

"Um…well…"

"What!"

Legolas' question was answered by a huge explosion from the heart of Mirkwood.

……

"Well you would get us lost!" Sighed Amaria.

"I can assure you we are not lost, just maybe locationally challenged." Commented Kalin. He looked around, he was certain that he should be able to see the great forest of Mirkwood by now. All he could see was…'what is that?' Kalin thought. 'It looks like…smoke…no wait it is smoke…' "Mirkwood is on fire!" Yelped Kalin spurring his horse on.

……

A/N: George: Wow, we blew Mirkwood up!

Emily: We also blew out cast up! Oh well we shall just have to see who survives! Here are thank yous:

Orangeblossom07 – Oooooh I love Kingdom of Heaven too! You could probably guess that already though! Glad you liked the cliffy, he he we thought it was the perfect way to end that chapter!

Limpet666 – I know! Kai is managing to behave himself! What is Middle-earth coming to! What they need is a reappearance from a certain teenage girl! Oh one quick question…would you like to be in my film!

Billie Joe's Mistress – Yay mass knightage! George's beard is still there! I need more support! And yes I am aware of how much you love Kai, I dread to think what you two get up to in your dreams.

Poolbum – George is worried that I'll attack him with a razor now! I say poor Kai, he never gets anything right!

Princess Shadowcat – When you say weird do you mean, lovey dovey sickening sap weird or do you mean singing fish and blue Inuits weird! I'm hoping the latter! The world could do with more singing fish…or perhaps singing dolphins…hmmm…


	15. Burn Baby Burn

A/N: Emily: Wootka!

George: That's it she has finally lost it.

Disclaimer: Not long now until we return all stolen goods!

Chapter Fifteen – Burn Baby Burn.

As the smoke poured out of the forest so did the remaining occupants. Legolas arriving out of the forest looked around frantically for his children. Spotting them nearby he sighed in relief, "Are you cough okay?" Legolas choked out.

"Where's Kai!" Cried Ellette.

Legolas turned back to the forest and counted the number of elves that had made it out of the burning forest. Both Kai and George were missing.

"Uncle George!" Yelled the brothers as George appeared wielding his lightsabre.

"I shall not turn to the dark side!" Cried George.

"Um…George it's just smoke." Informed Legolas.

"Ada! Kai, where is he!" Ellette shrieked hysterically.

"My Lord!" Kalin's horse pulled up beside Legolas. "How the Mandos did this happen! Is everyone alright?"

"Kai he…" Legolas took one look at his daughter's grief stricken face and sucked in a breath before ploughing back into the burning forest.

"Charge!" George swung the lightsabre around and followed his brother in-law into smoke.

"Oh great now I look like a wimp." Muttered Kalin before reluctantly jumping off his horse and pursuing.

……

"Oh Boromir look how cute his little nose is!" Gushed Haldir as he looked down upon their newly adopted son.

"And his little pointed ears? They are like mini versions of yours!" Babbled Boromir inanely.

"He has itty bitty toes!"

"Aww he just hiccupped!"

"I think that was a burp actually, but it was still so cute!"

……

"They've been in there too long." Sobbed Ellette.

Pierre and Xavier glanced at each other, "Do you want us to go have a look?"

"No! I'm not losing everyone I love!"

Rasping could be heard and within seconds George burst out of the forest holding a darkling elf in his arms. "I found cough Kai."

Ellette rushed over and went to cradle Kai's head, "Oh Kai…are you…wait! This isn't Kai you idiot that's Kalin!"

"Yes I am Kalin and if you would let me down!" Kalin wriggled indignantly.

"Oh hi Kalin." Grinned George.

"Did you see Ada in there!" Asked Pierre.

"See! You couldn't see a vat of luminous bath foam on a naked she-elf's breast even if it was placed on the end of your tongue!" Kalin's rant was answered by Amaria smacking him over the head.

"Don't worry I'll find him!" George turned to go back into the forest which was now smothered in flames.

"No! You can't go back in there!" Yelled Xavier pulling him back.

"Of course I c…" George was cut off as another explosion sent them all flying back. "Stupid rock." Muttered George as he dug the offending geology out of his back.

"All of you stay together and make your way to the woods of Lorien." Glorfindel took charge of the situation.

"But Ada is in there!" Yelled Pierre.

"There is nothing you can do here. Now go, before anyone else gets hurt!" Commanded the Balrog slayer.

The triplets with tears in their eyes were shepherded off by the royal housekeeper followed by the remaining elves of Mirkwood.

George, Kalin and Glorfindel remained.

"We should look for them." Pleaded Kalin. "What if they are hurt, or lost!"

"Like you said yourself, there is no way we would be able to see them, we could walk straight past them and not know it." Reasoned Glorfindel.

"Then what do we do?"

"Pray." Answered Glorfindel solemnly. "Come. The triplets will need you Kalin."

"But…Kai…"

"Come." Glorfindel turned to find George missing. "Oh for the love of Valar where has that boy gone?"

"Didn't he follow the group?"

"Most likely. Come on Kalin."

Meanwhile…

"Stupid lightsabre…" George followed the offending weapon as it rolled down the hill. Finally catching up with it he stuffed it in his pocket and made his way back to where Kalin and Glorfindel 'were'.

"What the…" George looked around. "I'm sure they were around here! Maybe they went to look for Kai and Legolas." George sat on the remains of a splintered tree and set about waiting.

An hour later…

"Okay bored now…I know, I'll do a rain dance!"

……

The journey to Lothlorien was shortened by the fact that the horses had escaped the stables and loyally followed their masters. However, the journey was a silent one. The Mirkwood refugees were greeted into Lothlorien by shocked elves.

"Mirkwood is gone." Haldir shook his head in disbelief. "What of Legolas?" Taking one look at the distraught triplets Haldir got his answer. "No…he can't be…"

Boromir held his husband tightly, "I'm sure he will be alright, Glorfindel and Kalin are still there looking for him and Kai." Boromir hoped he sounded more sure then he felt.

……

"This cough is cough so cough typical cough of cough Kai!" Grumbled Legolas as he fought his way through the now burning embers of his home. "Always having cough to save cough his butt!" Legolas looked up as the first drops of rain began to fall.

"Thank the Valar for that!"

……

"Wow it actually worked." George looked up at the rain clouds and continued his Saturday Night Fever dance routine. "Hang on a sec…I'm wet now…and cold…and wet…and cold…and hey look the fire is out!" George cheered to himself and quickly scurried off into the blackened forest. "Time to scavenge!"

George headed straight to the royal talens which were now technically not talens as they were no longer in the trees but rather under them.

"Boring." George threw the candlestick holder over his shoulder.

"Boring." Next was a boot.

"Boring." A random book.

"Boring." A smouldering Banana.

George got up and moved over to what looked to be a different section of the talen.

"Boring." A pink hat.

"Boring." A game boy.

"Bori.. Hang on…" George looked back at the hat and game boy. "That's Emily's…" George looked around. All the stuff was Emily's. "Legolas kept it all." George pondered this sadly for a minute but then went back to rooting.

"Boring." A bright orange furry pillow.

"Disturbing." A whip.

"Boring." A stripy Converse.

"Ouch!"

George turned round to see Legolas rubbing his head.

"Ooops, sorry."

"What are you doing! Why aren't you looking for Kai?" Asked Legolas.

"Oh is he still missing, anyway what I am doing I believe it is called theft." Answered George.

"Well could you desist, this is…" Legolas trailed off. "It's all gone…I've lost her."

Legolas had spent so long hording Emily's things in hope of her returning seeing it all burnt and lost was too much for the elf.

"No you haven't. They are just things, at risk of quoting Kingdom of Heaven, Emily is here and here." Said George pointing to Legolas' head and heart. "If it makes it any better I'll see what I can salvage."

"I had better continue looking for Kai, he has to be alright, he can't of…"

"Why are you still here?" Butted in George.

"Oh right." Legolas left in search of Kai.

George began to pick up random belongings, "I need a bag or something…" George scanned the ground and was drawn to a bright red object, the only thing which seemed to be unaffected by the fire. "That looks familiar." He wandered over to it and pulled it out from underneath the rubble. "Sweet!" Yelled George as he held up the magic bagtm.

……

"Kai? Kai? Where are you? Kai?" Legolas stumbled into the remains of the kitchens and focused in on the body of an elf lying deadly still. "Kai!"

……

A/N: George: Okay this one was a bit short but in out defence we are both doing a load of exams at the moment.

Emily: Now is the point where we get lynched mobbed for even contemplating killing Kai off. Well, we are undecided at the moment whether the infamous Kai should join Emily in this fanfic's tomb! Just have to see how depressing this week is! Here are the thank yous:

Orli's-no.1-girl – thank you I shall bask in your praise! Here is the chapter hope you like.

Michelle – I haven't even read it fifteen times! Wow! There are a few random ideas floating around we'll keep you posted.

Poolbum – well you know the bro's always up to no good!

Princess shadowcat – Fish weird is good! I'm sure Pierre enjoyed his little sojourn with Kai!

Limpet666 – We are making a film and need someone to play Faramir and we naturally thought of you! I just had visions of Legolas tied to a tree then! Hmmm…excuse me a minute!

Billie Joe's Mistress – Yeah Kai's future is looking a bit peaky now! Hopefully I'll come up with a random way to save him although it doesn't look to promising!


	16. George Meet, George

A/N: Emily: Woot! My genius best mate got a car, we are now unstoppable! World Domination will be ours!

George: Starting by randomly turning up at my house and drinking me out of house and home!

Emily: You exaggerate! Anyhow it is time to decide what to do with Kai. Hmmm…well this week has been verging on depressing…but then the car is immense…hmmm…

Disclaimer: We own Kai which means we can do whatever we want with him!

Chapter Sixteen – George meet, George.

"Kai?" Legolas knelt down beside the elf and pulled him into his lap. Legolas lent down to listen for breathing and was greeted by a loud:

"BURP!"

"Urgh Kai!" Legolas got up and stepped back.

"Whoa dude that was some trip." Slurred Kai.

"You're drunk!"

"I should bloody hope so…the amount I drank."

"We thought you were dead!"

"So did I… hence why I thought I might as well die happy." Kai pulled himself up and picked up another bottle. "Cheers!" He took a large gulp and promptly fell back down.

"This is just perfect." Sighed Legolas.

George bounded into the kitchens. "Hey! Cool you found Kai…and he is fantastically drunk! Wicked!"

"Well I am glad someone finds it funny! Well help me get him up then!"

George begrudgingly agreed and helped Legolas pull Kai to his rather unsteady feet.

"Are we hiccup going somewhere!" Asked Kai.

"We are going to Lorien Kai." Informed George.

"We are?" Legolas asked.

"Indeed we are, that's where everyone has gone, seeing as this place is…well…toast…hmmm toast…I'm hungry now. Magic bag I would like some toast." As soon as George has uttered those words warm buttery toast was provided. "Awesome!"

"Where on Arda did you find that!" Gasped Legolas. "I have searched all over for that!"

"Well you obviously are losing your elf senses old man." Said George slightly muffled by the chunk of toast in his mouth.

"I think you should give it to me."

"Huh? Why would I do a thing like that?"

"Because you holding that bag is like handing over the ring of power to Sauron!"

"Sauron!" Shrieked Kai. "I thought he was dead." Kai promptly ran around in circles yelling something unfathomable and eventually collided with a tree knocking himself out.

"Great, now we have to carry him." Sighed Legolas.

"I could always conjure us up a couple of Quad bikes." Suggested George.

"Um…no…I don't…think that will…be necessary." Babbled Legolas turning a cute shade of pink.

"If you say so. To Lorien!"

Two hours later…

"Wow I'm tired!" Yawned George.

"We've only just made it out of the forest!" Yelled Legolas.

"And whose fault is that?" George sent a dirty look at Kai who was currently holding a rather animated conversation with a lizard.

……

"Glorfindel! Kalin! Where is…" The triplets trailed off as they saw the defeated looks on the Balrog slayer and Kai's younger brother's faces. "No!"

"I'm sorry there is nothing we can do but wait." Sighed Glorfindel.

"But…but…there must be something we can…" Began a sobbing Ellette.

"Um…where's Uncle George?" Asked Xavier.

"What do you mean where is George, George went with you…didn't he?" Pierre and Xavier shook their heads at Glorfindel's question. "Oh great! And to think my lord Elrond produced such an uncooperative nuisance!"

"We should go look for him; maybe he found Ada and Kai!" Pleaded Pierre.

"If he has found them then he will bring them here."

"What if he is lost, or doesn't know where to go!"

"I think for once we should trust in George's ability to act like an adult."

……

"Who wants to go on a trip!" Asked George.

Legolas looked ominously at him. "George, the sooner we get to Lorien the less danger you and Kai are in from being beheaded by a certain blonde elf!"

George looked around frantically, "Galadriel isn't here is she!"

"Valar help me!" Muttered Legolas.

"I shall hold a vote, who wants to go on a trip." George raised his hand and looked expectantly at Kai.

"Oooh human hand." Grinned Kai and raised his own.

"Looks like you are out voted Leggy." George whooped. "Right where shall we go!" George threw the Magic Bag to the ground and began to randomly jump over and around it mumbling something.

The landscape began to shift and change. "George what is going on!" Yelled Legolas.

"Trippy! Yeah Dude!" Shouted Kai.

"Just a few more seconds and…Whoa." George looked around, "Home."

"Not this place again." Groaned Legolas.

"This is familiar, like a monkey." Babbled Kai.

"Mummy!" Cried a little boy. " Mummy."

"Ah child!" Shrieked George. "Why is there a child in my house!"

"Mummy!"

Kai clamped his hand over the little boy's mouth. "Ssssssh my brain cannot compute squeaking."

"Maybe you got the wrong house?" Offered Legolas.

"No because this is my room, that is my carpet, there is my first teddy bear and oh holy mother of…" George gaped at the calendar.

"What?"

"Um…right house, wrong year. It's August 1990."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Well it means I should be a two year old. I was a really cute toddler actually, about so high, light blonde hair and…" George and Legolas looked back at the little boy that was currently pulling Kai's hair after the elf had collapsed and began to drool in his sleep. "No fucking way!"

"Please do not tell me that is you?" The idea of two Georges was too much for Legolas.

"Um…hey little dude, your name wouldn't happen to be George would it?"

"Me George!" Gurgled mini George.

"Great." Murmured Legolas. "Kai, wake up we are leaving!"

"Whuh!" Yelled Kai waking up with a start.

"George, where did the bag go?"

"Um it's over…" George turned to where it was. "Wait I'm sure it was…" George turned back to mini George to find him gone too. "Damn it I thought you elves were supposed to be observant!"

"Hangover kicking in." Groaned Kai. "Gonna be sic…" Kai grabbed the nearest object that could contain his retching, that object just happened to be the Magic Bag.

"Kai! Give me that!" George grabbed the bag and nervously peered into it. "Its okay the Bag has probably sent your puke elsewhere.

……

Fiminur and his daughter looked out at to sea, a few more hours and they would be in Valinor. Unfortunately their tranquillity was destroyed by a sudden wave of what could only be described as sick.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Screamed Phian.

……

"George, I would really appreciate it if we could get to Lorien now!"

"Chill Leggy, you know you really aren't much fun anymore, perhaps you could do with a holiday, maybe by the sea."

"Believe me, the sea is definitely where I am heading." Sighed Legolas.

"Right, all aboard this is the one way trip to Lothlorien, please keep all appendages inside the vehicle at all times and yes Kai that means that as well!"

……

"Gwanur, we have spotted them at the boarders!" Called Rumil to Haldir.

"See I told you they would be fine." Boromir grinned as he watched the triplets jump up and sprint off.

"Ada!" Yelled the triplets as Legolas crashed into the clearing and was greeted by an armful of children.

"Ada, where's Kai?" Asked Ellette.

"Promise me I will never have to look for your drunken boyfriend ever again!"

Ellette's confusion was alleviated by a stumbling Kai falling over a rock and complaining that he should have pushed Legolas harder, "You were humming too loudly!"

"Kai! You stupid oaf!" Ellette jumped on the darkling elf.

"It's good to have you back George." Greeted Boromir.

"Indeed I often miss me too." George dumped the Magic Bag on the floor and watched it roll and begin to cry. "What the…" Haldir lent down and tipped it up.

"Oh my." Haldir picked up the small blonde toddler.

"How did he…!" Yelped George.

"Send it back!" Cried Legolas. "Middle Earth can't cope with two of you!"

"What's going on?" Asked Boromir.

"Well everyone, meet me mini me."

"Me George." Gurgled mini George.

……

A/N: Emily: Blame him, he is the only one with an ego large enough to demand two of him!

George: He he I rock!"

Emily: Well it is nearly the end now, I reckon two more chapters and the 'Related' stories and the 'Adventures' of Emily and George will me over! But for now here are the thank yous…

Princess Shadowcat - I have just finish all my exams and am feeling hyper! Hence why Kai still lives!

Poolbum – Would I dare kill Kai and risk getting lynchmobbed! Well actually maybe I would seeing as there is only two more chapters to go, who knows what crazy ending we will dream up. Ooooh baby name is perfect and shall be used, it begins with K!

Orli's-no.1-girl – He he I may just kill Kai to piss everyone off!

Sodascrunch – I do believe that your review is the oddest thing I have ever read in my life! You hate this fic and all the other ones but insist on reading it because others like it…hmmm….baaaaa like a sheep anyone!


	17. The Last Song

A/N: Emily: Woot I saw Green Day again at the Milton Keynes National Bowl. Twas immense! Yay for Billie Joe Armstrong making sex noises on stage! Continues to mosh and swoon

George: Who else wants to stab her eyes out!

Emily: You're just jealous. On with business people, we've got loose ends to set up and an awesome ending to set up.

Disclaimer: We all know the drill by now, we are only borrowing them.

Chapter Seventeen – The Last Song.

"So what will you do now?" Asked Galadriel.

"I suppose it is time I answered the call of the sea." Sighed Legolas. "The elves of Mirkwood will sail to Valinor."

"They will be joined by the elves of the Lorien, it is also our time to leave these shores."

"Boats!" Screeched mini George.

"Why is he still here!" Yelled Legolas at George who was trying to keep up with his mini self.

"I can't just send him back on his own, what happens if he gets lost! And besides I like having him around." George pouted.

"You do not know the first thing about taking care of a small child!"

"Exactly."

"That's not an answer!"

"You didn't ask me a question." Replied George smugly.

"I am getting off Arda before I kill him." Snapped Legolas before storming off.

"He is really touchy these days."

"He'll find peace in Valinor."

"Not if I can help it." Grinned George picking up mini George and tucking him under his arm.

"You plan on taking the ships too!"

"Well I'm not going to stay here am I!"

"You are human, you cannot just turn up at Valinor and expect to be granted access."

"And Gimli is a dwarf and I don't expect he'll have much problem."

"Yes but…"

"No buts." Interrupted George. "I'll think you'll find I will be going to Valinor unless you want everyone to find out about your arms dealing on the side."

Galadriel huffed, "Fine! Yeesh this is the second time this story I've been blackmailed!"

"Well you will make these dirty little secrets yourself, especially the one about you and the shipwright in Dol Amroth!"

"What! How did…"

"See ya later Glady!"

……

"Three days!" Yelped Xavier and Pierre.

"Yes the boats shall be ready in three days, you will leave then." Explained Legolas.

"Hang on…you just said 'you' will leave then. Surely you are joining us." Pointed out Kai who took a break from staring dotingly at Ellette.

"I will follow on the last boat later; there is something I must do before I leave."

"Do you want company?" Asked Kai knowing full well what his lifelong friend needed to do.

"No, I'll be…"

"Wait…so does that mean only Kai will be supervising us on the boat then!" Interrupted Xavier hopefully already dreaming up visions of pirate grandeur.

"Boromir and Haldir will also be there so don't get any ideas! Promise me you will behave."

"Yes Ada."

"Good. Now the next time I will see you will be in Valinor, travel safely and try not to cause any trouble." Legolas mounted Arod. "That means you as well Kai." With this he left.

"Haldir and Boromir will never let us commandeer the ship and search for treasure." Pouted Pierre.

"Who said Haldir has to let us commandeer the ship, he'll be far to preoccupied with their new baby."

"And Boromir?"

"Don't you worry about Boromir, leave him to me." George stepped in.

……

Legolas took his time on the journey to Mirkwood, well the remains of Mirkwood anyway. He made his way through the debris and into the small clearing he knew so well.

Emily's gravestone was relatively undamaged by the fire, the only evidence of the blaze were the ashes of flowers laid there by Legolas everyday.

"I've come to say goodbye…I've finally decided to leave Middle Earth…It was you that kept me here, but now there is no where to be kept so I have to…leave…I hope the children will like it in Valinor…I hope that maybe I'll be able to…to find peace there…but I promise…I promise I will never forget you. We will see each other again one day…we have to."

……

"I really don't like boats." Grumbled George as he boarded the ship.

"Now Kai I am trusting you to sail the ship while Boromir and I get the little ones settled below deck." Said Haldir.

"Aye aye captain, I'll be a first class shipmate." Smirked Kai.

"Good, now if could just unattatch mini George from Boromir's leg we can be off."

"This is a moment guys." Commented George as he and the triplets joined Kai at the helm. "We should take a deep breath or something."

"We could salute it." Offered Pierre.

And so they did. Five silhouettes saluting the shrinking form of Middle Earth.

"This requires a song…" George took a deep breath. (To the turn of Aerosmith's 'Don't want to miss a thing.').

"The End is here, and we all are leaving,

And I get to thinking that we could be sinking,

We have spent our lives on this Middle Earth,

I remember all the good times and mirth,

Especially TNT really showed its worth.

I think I might close my eyes,

I think I might sob like a baby,

because I'll miss Middle Earth.

And even with the smelly Orcs

and Aragorn's boring talks

I'd still miss you Arda

Because I'll miss Middle Earth.

Back in the day, the Fellowship was forming,

Em and I thought of joining, while the dwarf and elf were arguing.

I've learnt new things like Agent Elrond's my dad.

And how to ride the quad bikes I had.

Even lembas bread really wasn't that bad.

I think I might close my eyes,

I think I might sob like a baby,

because I'll miss Middle Earth.

And even with the smelly Orcs

and Aragorn's boring talks

I'd still miss you Arda

Because I'll miss Middle Earth.

And I am gonna miss it all, all of Middle Earth's things,

when Hal and Boz first met and every one of Kai's flings.

Emily and Leggy getting married and the madness Yoshie brings,

But best of all the moments is when I became King…yeaaaaah!

I think I might close my eyes,

I think I might sob like a baby,

because I'll miss Middle Earth.

And even with the smelly Orcs

and Aragorn's boring talks

I'd still miss you Arda

Because I'll miss Middle Earth."

"That was beautiful man." Kai choked back a sob.

The five stared in silence.

"I think it's time we began our randy venture of merriment and misadventure which will lead us on a quest of gargantuan proportions!" Cheered George.

"Aye Avast!" Yelled the triplets.

……

A/N: George: One more chapter folks!

Emily: Here be thee thankies:

Michelle – We find our crazy ideas in a little box at the end of the rainbow. Although it could be the novocaine George smuggled into the country. Uber glad you love our stories, and don't worry too much about missing us, you haven't seen the last of us yet.

Poolbum – The two Georges will come into play later on in a small surprise we have coming up!

Billie Joe's Mistress – You missed half your classes! Whatever would possess someone to do a thing like that! Yes Kai is alive and kicking thanks to some posusion from a friend. Love you morrrrrreeeeeee x


	18. Finale

A/N: Emily: This is it, the final chapter. Wow it was two summers ago we started the adventures of Emily and George and now it is coming to an end!

George: If I didn't have so much to do I would cry about now.

Emily: Well here we go!

Disclaimer: Here you go Tolkien you can have them back now.

**Finale**

"Well I guess this is goodbye then." Aragorn had decided to travel to grey havens to say farewell to Legolas and the final elves leaving Middle Earths shores.

"Yes I guess it is…" Legolas paused, "I would have stayed until your death but…well…you live awfully for and a human and what with Mirkwood being destroyed and you thinking that Emily is haunting you and the fact that…

"It's okay Legolas I understand." Interrupted Aragorn. "Farewell old friend."

Legolas embraced Aragorn before making being the last elf to make his way onto the last ship. "Oh Aragorn, one last thing."

"Yes?"

"Baths are usually taken daily not annually." Grinned Legolas providing the last Aragorn smells joke.

At the bow of the ship were Kalin and a heavily pregnant Amaria looking out to sea finally giving into the sea's call.

"Isn't beautiful!" Sighed Amaria wistfully.

"Yeah it's…um…it's blue." Answered a less than convinced Kalin. "I'm not too impressed with this rocking motion though, I might pop below deck with the Elladan, Elrohir and Legolas."

"What and leave me up here alone! Quite the doting husband you are! Trust you to get worked up about a little sea sickness."

"Still getting mood swings I see." Muttered Kalin not quite quietly enough.

"It would be an awful shame for me to lose my husband on a tragic boating accident Kalin."

Kalin began to whistle randomly.

"Oh!" Amaria suddenly gasped.

"Yeah the waves are getting quite choppy aren't they?" Commented Kalin distractedly as he peered over the edge convinced he had just spotted an orange dingy in the distance.

"Kalin! I think…I think…ah!"

"And there you were saying I was getting worked up about 'a little sea sickness!'"

"The…the…the…" Panted Amaria.

"Can you see that or is it just me?"

"See what!"

"That Orange thing."

"Ah!"

"Stopping making so much noise it's distracting!"

"Kalin!"

"What!"

"KALIN! My…waters…have broken!" Screamed Amaria.

Kalin looked down at the water on the deck. "That's just a bit of sea spray."

"Sea spray! Sea spray! Have you lost your mind!"

"I'll just get a bilge pump and I'll have that sea water gone in no time."

"Kalin!"

"See look, all gone." Kalin smiled clearly pleased with himself.

"You just sucked up embryotic fluid!" Screeched Amaria.

"Now you are being ridiculous."

"This is far too late to be in denial about becoming a father Kalin!"

"What's going on?" Legolas ran to the arguing couple.

"I'm giving birth!"

"She's overreacting!" Countered Kalin with a raised eyebrow.

"Kalin, go and get the twins!" Ordered Legolas. "Unless you want your wife to whelp on my feet!"

"She's not…"

"KALIN!" Yelled Legolas and Amaria in unison.

"Fine!" Kalin sloughed off.

"He is certainly going to be surprised when you hand him a baby if he carries on this way." Legolas said as he beckoned Amaria to sit down.

"You would have thought he'd…Ooooh…have got used to the idea by now!"

"Well he had better hurry up, I think your baby will be with us very soon!"

The twins appeared and hurriedly made their way over to Amaria.

"Blimey you look ready to burst!"

"Thank you Elrohir that is very helpful!" Yelled Amaria.

"Let's get you lying down." Elladan set to work.

"Where…where…is Kalin?"

"Valar knows!" Smirked Elrohir.

"Right I'm going to need you to calm down Amaria and breathe." Instructed Elladan. "Oh and Elrohir it wouldn't kill you to help would it!"

"Find Kalin…please." Begged Amaria to Legolas.

"I'll find him."

……

"Kalin! I'm sick of being the one that has to look for either you or your brother!" Shouted Legolas. "What on all of Arda are you doing!"

"Look that orange thing is getting closer?" Answered Kalin as he leant further over the railings.

"If your wife was not just about to give birth I would push you in, now are you going to come and witness your child being born!" Yelled Legolas unregally.

"She is attention seeking!"

"Right that is it…I am going to Valinor for peace and quiet and you are ruining it!" Legolas grabbed Kalin by his collar and hauled him across the deck then proceeded to drag him to Amaria.

"Hey!"

"Right I'm going to need you to push, Amaria." Instructed Elladan gently.

"What did you think I have been doing?" She roared back.

"Remind me never to get anyone pregnant." Gulped Elrohir.

"Duly noted. Okay another big push."

"Legolas let me go!" Protested Kalin.

"Alright then." Legolas dumped Kalin next to Elladan.

"I can see the head, another big push." Coaxed the elder twin.

"I can see the head!" Repeated a gaping Kalin. "What? How? When? Huh?"

"I believe it started about nine months ago Kalin." Informed a smirking Elrohir.

"One more push!"

"But…but…" Kalin's mutterings were interrupted by a loud wailing as the baby finally met the world.

"Here you go, you have a daughter." Elladan handed the baby to Kalin.

"Now do you believe me?" Gasped an exhausted Amaria.

"Baby." Stated Kalin simply.

"What are you going to call her?" Asked Legolas.

"Baby." Kalin repeated.

"I think Kalynisa is more suited." Answered Amaria.

……

Two days later…

"Well there's Valinor." Elladan turned to Legolas.

"I never thought I would look forward to peace and quiet."

"You look terrible if that's any consolation?"

"I plan on sleeping for the majority of the year."

"That is a most excellent plan." Agreed Elrohir.

"That's what you do anyway 'Roh!" Laughed Elladan.

"That's not tr…" Elrohir stopped abruptly.

"See you can't deny it!" Carried on Elladan.

Legolas, however, had noticed Elrohir's pale colour. "What is it?"

"It can't be." Elrohir whispered.

Legolas followed Elrohir's stare to the land of Valinor and the particular person he was staring at.

"Emily."

Next thing the twins knew Legolas had ran to the side of the ship, dived in and began frantically swimming to shore.

On the beach…

"Is that the reaction you were expecting?" Elrond asked Emily.

"If he thinks I'm getting in the water and swimming to him he has got another thing coming! Do you know how long it took to straighten my hair! I had to use two hot rocks attached to sticks!"

"Well here he comes."

Legolas pelted full sprint towards Emily.

"This is going to hurt isn't it?" Winced Emily as Legolas practically rugby tackled her to the ground.

"It's you! It's really you!"

"Either that or you are practically molesting a complete stranger!"

Legolas broke out into a grin that no one had seen since before the accident. "It is most definitely you!"

"I missed you you silly elf. You have no idea how boring Mando's Halls are. They could really do with refurbishing."

"Valar I missed you so much."

"Legolas?"

"Yes."

"Get off me, you're soaking wet!"

"No I refuse to move for at least another hour."

Emily giggled. "What is a girl to do when she is trapped under a gorgeous elf! No but really, I want to meet my kids, are they taller than me? I bet they are taller than me! Oh god they are older than me! I'm still seventeen! That's so weird…"

"What do you mean?." Interrupted Legolas. "The kids should have been here days ago!"

"I leave you with the kids for eighteen years and you manage to lose them!" Emily shoved Legolas off her and stood up.

"Lose them! You have no idea what it took to bring them up! They are downright monsters when they want to be!"

"Well they obviously got that from their father!"

"If I could just interrupt." Kalin stepped in. "You don't think that Kai may have taken them on a detour."

"Haldir and Boromir were on that boat, they would have curbed Kai's taste for adventure."

"Um…well…"

"Well what?" Asked Emily.

"Well…George…he may have also been on that boat." Informed Kalin quietly.

"George!"

"You let Kai and George take our children pirating!" Yelled Emily.

"I wouldn't use the word 'let'!" Legolas stared out to sea. "So much for peace and quiet."

……

The orange dingy bobbed gently upon the waves slowly stirring its lonely passenger out of his slumber.

"Whuh?" George rubbed his head and looked around at the blue expanse. "How did I get here?"

……

A/N: Emily: 'gets out a box of tissues' that's it folks. We are done. It's all over!

George: It's been emotional.

Emily: But wait I here you cry, 'what happened to George!' Well we couldn't really just leave you like that! We've decided that if we get enough reviews we will release our summer spectacular! Oooooooh! A one shot fic that charts the few days of the missing ship – "The Pirates of Middle Earth." If we get enough response we will have this up in August sometime. So guys and gals what d'ya think!

Here be thee thank yous:

Poolbum – Emily's no longer a ghost so I can chase with a real solid stick this time! Mwah ha ha!

Limpett666 – Your chanting did the trick Emily lives! As for the Aerosmith song, believe me, George and I can make it fit! This is the end of the trilogy in four parts but as you can see we have a few more tricks up our sleeves!


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